Monday, March 21, 2005

Oh man, I forgot to tell you, I've been at a wedding.

Wait, correction: Been in a wedding. There's a difference, you see. No, I'm not Mormon and marrying Mr. Right v2. It was my friend Katherine who got married. We love you, Katherine! Drink a fruity one on the beach of St. Croix for us!

Anyway, it was a fun thing. I know she'd have rather been on the beach in Belize for the whole thing (We gave it a good try though, didn't we, K?). But the most amazing part of it to me was her friends, and how apparently, I had no idea about Such Women. No idea. Not in high school, not in college, nowhere. Not until Katherine's wedding. Yeah, I got a glimpse of it at Jacquie's pre-wedding festivities, but I thought her group of girlfriends were just some happy, freak accident.

Basically, I figured it out: Until now, I've been robbed.

It's such an extraordinary thing and such a positive relief that Katherine has assembled such an extremely nice group of girlfriends existing in the world today. I was wondering where all the decent girls went, and apparently it was New York city. And New Jersey. And Connecticut, and Boston and Atlanta. And best of all, Tampa. I'm waving atcha now, Dr. Beth, can you see me?

Who knew that there is nothing better than Genuinely Nice Females. I mean it. Mostly, I've liked guys much better because they settle differences easier than girls. They take each other out in the yard, punch each other in the face, and then go have a pizza and a pitcher of beer. Genuinely Nice Females make the world a really good place. It's consumed me.

I wish I'd had more of those kinds around in high school and college. Dammit. In retrospect, being around the Genuinely Nice Females made me realize the kind of females I've run across in my whole lifetime were not the ones I wanted at all. I thought they were all alike. But no. They were just Those Girls. You know what I mean. The ones who not only ruin it for everybody else, but actually enjoy ruining it.

One good thing came about because of Those Girls though. I believe the reason someone decided for the first time in history to run over someone else with an automobile was because of Those Girls. Works as long as you aren't one of Those Girls.

Huh. Well. I'll be damned. It's such a relief to me to realize all this. That in fact, maybe I have been Just Damned for a while. And now, Un...Damned. IT IS TO A WORD. It is now. Anyways...

Genuinely Nice Females are fun because:

They like to go for margaritas. One or two, but maybe not three because three makes them dance.

They like the smell of coconut lipgloss.

They can even make you look forward to sweaty seasons like summer by talking about vacations at the beach.

Not only to they persuade you to buy pink sandals, but they also let you borrow their polish for your nails.

They tell you that you'd make the best mother ever, and they have no idea why they know that for certain except for *female intution,* no questions asked.

They compliment you on your dress, but compliment you even more when you tell them how much you didn't pay for it.

The best part about Genuinely Nice Females is that, even though you are standing under fluorescent lighting that makes even the 2-year olds in the room have bags under their eyes, and you know for certain that you look like a wilted zombie, the Genuinely Nice Females tell you that you look, as they say, absolutely gorgeous.

And, instead of telling you that your hair has gone bad in the back (something which you'd never know unless someone told you), they ask if they could "touch up your curls with a curling iron." And then you feel like a pink kitten with sparkles. Or a tiny, fuzzy chick.

These are the girls I've always heard about who actually sit around and have a good time eating cookie dough while talking about how flabby their arms have gotten. They aren't the ones who try to be the spotlight, or blind you with your own. They just want to hang out and maybe have pizza and definitely a pitcher of beer.

And I figured it out. The reason they do all this is for no real reason except that they hope you would do the same for them. It makes everyone feel good.

Genuinely Nice Girls also get choked up at this point and hug you, but not too hard.

Where the hell have they been all my life? I was wondering where they were. Thank you, God. No, really.

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