Wednesday, June 29, 2005

23 Jun, Thu, 17:50:51 Yahoo: facking ladies
24 Jun, Fri, 13:24:22 Yahoo: Matt lauer - cufflinks
24 Jun, Fri, 18:14:31 Altavista: john wayne gacy
25 Jun, Sat, 15:57:52 Google: lumivalkoinen translate
25 Jun, Sat, 21:49:33 Yahoo: COGIC HATS
26 Jun, Sun, 14:03:45 Yahoo: does coke rehydrate you?
26 Jun, Sun, 14:35:00 Yahoo: racoon feces pictures
26 Jun, Sun, 18:52:53 Yahoo: glow in dark liqueur
27 Jun, Mon, 00:33:24 Yahoo: dongfest
27 Jun, Mon, 13:23:46 Google: "barbie fashion plates"
28 Jun, Tue, 08:21:20 Yahoo: pre teen boobs
28 Jun, Tue, 19:12:43 Yahoo: girls facking
29 Jun, Wed, 05:32:41 Yahoo: flexy girls
29 Jun, Wed, 14:46:12 Altavista: john wayne gacy

Man, I have got to find at least one picture of racoon feces for this person.

Oh, sure, I've got plenty of info on ladies and girls in COGIC hats drinking glow in the dark liqueur, facking John Wayne Gacy at all those dongfests those crazy flexy girls like to throw. But wildlife excrement, gee I feel so useless. That's just out of my area of expertise.

Brian? You had any luck yet? Lemme know, but only when you get a chance. It's no big hurry, they don't seem to be desperate, just consistent.

Nevermind, I found one here that'll just have to do. But kids, remember: If you do find scat, never pick it up. I say this every year and cannot stress this enough. Because not only might you contract some expensive disease from it, but you may well develop a taste for it as well.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

And you thought your day couldn't get any more boring.

Wrong-o, baby. Check out some of the latest fotos from my new digital POS* Camera:

Damn Cute: Pink Pony kiddie ride

Local Color: An Unfortunate Set of Racist Pottery

Beauti Flora: Wow, some of the freakin' roses in The Yarden.

I don't care if it is illegal or immoral, dead hobos do make the best compost.

*POS = Why it's my brand spankin' new Piece o' Shit Camera. Live it, learn it, love it. Wow! Only 18 American Dollars. Do you realize that you can hardly buy a heart-stopping cheeseburger for that low, low middle-class price. Awesome. Thank you, China!

Monday, June 27, 2005

Help me out.

Do you see a squirrel dressed as a Motorcycle Enthusiast?

Ok, good. I thought I was having a stroke.

Nevermind. Back to work, everyone!

Friday, June 24, 2005


My favorite one is the stapler. If you really aren't mad enough to take a poke at 'im, then just sit back (not too far back though, your cheap chair was made in China, you don't deserve one of those fine leather jobbies, minion) and listen to all he has to say. If that doesn't make you want to Whack Your Boss, you're either due for That Big Promotion, or congratulations, you're already a member of the walking dead. Enjoy!

Thursday, June 23, 2005

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

I facking love search engine queries.

20 Jun, Mon, 12:36:13 Yahoo: co worker smells like mothballs
21 Jun, Tue, 09:42:19 Yahoo: zsa zsa gabor satin
21 Jun, Tue, 11:36:42 Yahoo: battery operated mug warmer
21 Jun, Tue, 11:55:33 Yahoo: flexy japanese girls
21 Jun, Tue, 22:40:09 Yahoo: pictures of dogs wearing skunk skin
22 Jun, Wed, 07:01:23 Yahoo: flexy girl
22 Jun, Wed, 20:46:32 Yahoo: pre teen boobs
23 Jun, Thu, 04:11:24 Altavista: kollaboration 2003
23 Jun, Thu, 14:54:50 Yahoo: flexy girls
23 Jun, Thu, 17:50:51 Yahoo: facking ladies

I do miss the person looking for pictures of racoon feces though.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

I love this link, sent in by zoEy (thanks again!). Strangely enough, this silhouette looks almost just like me, if only it had a ponytail. And a big, black hole where my soul used to be. Look, the implosion has dehydrated my sense of humor, too. Which is really spookin' my freakin' mule.

Hey. I can use retarded idioms like that and even a twisted colloquialism or two. Remember, I am from Mississippi. Just don't tell many people that. Swing a dead cat without hittin' a redneck, I might even start incorporating more, just because I have that license. And that license is about as pretty as skating down a hill into 5 o'clock traffic.

Ah good times, good times. Oh hell, what do I care? I don't really have a dog in this 9-to-5 fight anyway.

"Eh, things are not that bad really," she screamed into the rabid pit bull's face. This past weekend I had ice cream cake so good that it's not even listed on the site. Dark chocolate covered ice cream cake, with mostly ice cream. Oh man. Oh man. Ohhh man. It was good. Life is simple and good like that. When it's rolled in dark chocolate.

Good story, huh? I'm sorry, soon everything will be back to some garden variety of normal. But until then:

The Nomi Song is out on DVD. C'monnnnn, Netflix. Bring me my fruit loops...

Thanks for this link, Jerrrrrsh. Too busy to update your blerg, huh? Please, let's go for some gaytinis soon. I know you are just mulling around your house in your mumu, counting cracks in the ceiling, just itching to get out of the house and back into the Real World. Do you mull, or do you putter? Aw, you know I have to give you some type of hell somehow, remotely, since I know you're having withdrawals from Michael. Which reminds me, by the way, how is Michael's mom?

This stuff looks good, and oddly familiar.

And damn, I'll say -- this site certainly is heavy. It almost choked my FireFox. I'll save this one for a rainy day. Hell. These days I apparently have my own little black raincloud, just hangin' out like a pregnant monkey in June with a two dollar whistle blown twice, so not long of a wait now. High five!!

Friday, June 10, 2005

You know how it is. The dog wakes you up because he's scared of rain. It's rains all night, you stay up with a scared dog panting in your face. All night. After you took a Benadryl to sleep. You know how that goes.

So you wake up, clean the cat's litter box, eat granola cereal and try not to think of the similarities between the two. You clean the glass door off because the shutterman you paid 900$ to install plantation blinds disappeared for the last 3 months with your money and came back with the lamest excuse of "I've been out of the country adopting a chinese baby." But you have to read that last bit in quotes with a twinge of a Southern drawl to get the complete picture. Ok, you're with me.

So no, no time to make that craptacular middle-class scrabbled-together lunch to take with you. You'll just get something, somewhere. Anything. Anywhere. Maybe. And now it's 12:47pm and you're hungry and denser and more foul than whenever you woke up this morning, if you are actually awake now anyway, it's really hard to tell.

Screw it. Scrounge up some change, plug in the basement code, find something in the vending machine that won't kill you or make you fat while you're waiting. Chewy Sweet-Tarts? One foam honeybun with fake plastic icing on top? Nice. No. Get the last Fig Newtons. Then catch a reflection of some creepy, balding man hunched in the corner smoking behind the wall staring at you, watching you bend over for the newtons, thinking you can't see him staring.

Leave, leave, leave because you watch too many "Cold Case Files." Unwrap your newtons and pour a 3+ hour cup of stale coffee into a styrofoam cup, and think about Larry Junior.

Larry Junior was a girl. A girl. Named Larry, after her dad. And she was a bitch.

She worked at Larry Senior's junk mail company where I worked for an unfortunate year and a half until I could get a better job at *the* ad agency.

"You know what I miss about smoking?... I miss that first morning cigarette inthe morning...on the toilet...there is nothing better than a cigarette and a cup of coffee on the ever smoked a cigarette in the morning on the toilet...with a big cuppa coffee? you finished with that flyer for Clark yet?..."

(Don't even turn around to look at her.) No. I just got it an hour ago. Do I know when it'll be ready? Yes. when I am done with it.

Not used to the word "no", spoken or heard, she turns on her heel and flings me her middle finger over her bulging shoulder as she says, sweetly as she thinks possible, "Ohhhh-kayyyyyy, I'll check back later then."

Best thing about quitting a shit job like that isn't the obvious. It's always, always in the details, like watching Larry Junior's bloated overmade-up face sag when I reminded her that some people are too stupid to remember computer monitors reflect like mirrors, and that is especially important to remember for someone who flips birds at others over a shoulder like a passive aggressive cow.

Thank you, God, I don't have to be around that work of art anymore though. So yeah, reflections of creepy hunched people and the smell of stale coffee remind me of Larry Junior. That, and every time I throw out a handful of useless junk mail and flyers without even opening them.

So speaking of pigs, this is very cool (swiped from chimEra -- hello, Zoey!!)

Draw a Larry Junior, I mean draw a pig and get a personality analysis.

Oh come on, it's fun. You should give it a try, or I can give you a quick analysis myself.

Aww, look. It's Larry Junior...almost, except that she actually has her pants on, for once.

Pleas note her three sets of boobies.

Gee, I wonder what this drawing says about me...

Thursday, June 09, 2005

My Very Own "Mini Me" Doll.

Directly from FAO and My Twinn, it's your new, plastic replacement. Used up all of your PTO hours for the year? No problem! Just slap down 200 or so bucks and whip out a tiny, younger, less jaded version of yourself. Can't afford that lasermicrodermabrasion treatment to keep up with the Joneses tiny lines and wrinkles removal? Like to see what you'd have looked like if you'd married a wealthy prince from Monaco instead of getting that university degree and that senseless meat grinder job?

Then *My Twinn* to the rescue it is. Go onnnn, try it, it's fun for all.

But, if you're not into that...

Here’s something to watch for the rest of the day and wonder why you did.

Oh, because it's different. That's why. See how quickly I almost forget the important things in life?

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

I wish I could credit this photo, but I don't know who did it.
Wait a was...ME. YES. I did it.* I'm brilliant!

*No. I didn't. Oh well.

Now this is entertainment. And luckily for all us middle-class poltroons, it's free, too! Enjoy.

Monday, June 06, 2005

02 Jun, Thu, 19:17:29 Google: she fricklin blocked me
03 Jun, Fri, 11:31:14 Yahoo: pics by fingerman
03 Jun, Fri, 21:59:13 Google: design lumivalkoinen
04 Jun, Sat, 00:00:11 Google: snowgoose cherry
04 Jun, Sat, 04:17:28 Yahoo: "7 up" spot albino
04 Jun, Sat, 16:18:32 Yahoo: does olive oil help sideburns grow
05 Jun, Sun, 10:40:56 Yahoo: pre teen boobs
06 Jun, Mon, 07:40:01 Google: "got * new contacts"
06 Jun, Mon, 16:44:24 Altavista: john wayne gacy
06 Jun, Mon, 16:57:15 Google: +"barefoot contessa" +"caught on fire"

cursor miner saved my life.
cursor miner saved my life.
cursor miner saved my life.

this unfortunately dooms him to fall off the face of this planet shortly if he hasn't already. which will leave me with one million questions unanswered. like does olive oil really help sideburns grow. and if, god forbid, the barefoot contessa caught on fire, could you see her flame from outer space.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Look everybody! Can you see him waving?

Ok, boys and girls. You might have to squint a little...can you see him? Wait. He's mooning us. All in the spirit of science and satellite photography -- stars, moons, green clovers, old Popeye cartoons, and squirrels -- everything counts. Express yourself!

According to the Big Brother satellite in the sky, here is where Charles lives in Seattle, Washington:

And by God, I think I see the Space Needle across town:

That's approximately 2,497 miles away from our beloved-yet-cursed Pyramid. Doesn't look like there is much room for Mega-Monster Truck Rallies and Car Crusherfests in it like our Pyramid. Now why are we cursed with chronic allergies again?...

I'm still fascinated by these maps. What in the hell would I do without technology, besides read a book. Or make a quilt. Or run a 4k marathon or hike across Europe or something. Man, thank you, Google! No, really.

(Thanks, Charles, for the link!)