Tuesday, October 06, 2009

I'm working on it.

No really, I'm working on it.

Okay, I'm not. But I used to here and here. Somewhat.

I wonder if I'll ever clean up the type in my header. I'll take a nap on that.

Monday, October 05, 2009

In case you ever needed to know:

Lysol® Brand Disenfectant 4 in 1 Midlew Remover with Bleach kills 99.9% of germs, destroys mold and mildew, removes soap scum, whitens/brightens and will snuff out a rodent-sized roach big enough to wear sunglasses in mere seconds if you can't find your old pair of jogging shoes first.

Go, Lysol, go. Plus it comes with one, splitting headache absolutely free.

You're welcome. Back to work, citizens.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

mom: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh...

me: .........

mom: (singing, too near my head)...mmmmmmmmmm-maresseedotes and dosiedotes and little lambs eat iiiiiiiiiiiivy....

me: Stop it. Anyway, It's Mares Eat Oats, or Mairzy Doats. I shouldn't know this.

mom: Ya know why we used to sing it that way? (dancing around me in a circle getting smaller and smaller) Because we thought we were singing in another language...

me: And they also sprayed you with DDT when you were kids to straighten your hair and made you duck'n'cover to protect yourself from radiation. Lady. Get out of my face.

mom: (singing, too near my head)...mmmmmmmmmm-maresseedotes and dosiedotes and little lambs eat iiiiiiiiiiiivy....

me: I'm not kidding you. I have a peach pill in that purse over there, and one of us is going to take it.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

My Dad had a beautiful dream, I can do basic math now, and my mom's gone deaf.

mom: "Yep, that's what he'd say every time...blonde, blue-eyed, with big boobs..."

me: "And don't forget deaf."

mom: "Oh-ho yes, that's what he'd say to me and everyone at The Knife and Fork Club, when I'd tell 'em that I wish I hadda married a gay man. Your Daddy'd say, 'Well yeah, I wish I hadda married me a li'l ol' blonde with big, blue-eyes, big boobs, and she'd be a deaf-mute."

me: "You keep forgetting the 'and she'd be a deaf-mute nymphomaniac whose daddy owned a liquor store' bit at the end."

mom: "Remember when he brought Noel Hunnicutt's Playboy into the house, and I found it stuck up in his closet?"

me: "No."

mom: "Oh sure you do, remember, it took me 3 or 4 days to color all the clothes on 'em with Magic Markers, on all those nasty women. I even drew turtlenecks on some of 'em. Made him s'mad because he had to return it to Hunnicutt since he'd 'just borrowed it', yeahright. Honestly. I mean really. The very idea."

me: "The liquor store part always sounded pretty good to me."

mom: "That's because your Papaw hid in a utility closet to drink God Knows What outta his ol' brown paper bag...bless 'im..."

me: "I'm beginning to understand why. And you had kids? Thanks a lot."

mom: "Well. It wasn't on my mind at the time."

me: "Hey, you're not throwing me with that one anymore. It took me until I was 28 to do the math on this: two babies, born 3 years and a day apart, March 25th and 26th. Daddy's birthday was June 19th, and you couldn't have just gotten him a nice tie or a book instead?"

mom: ...

me: ...

mom: "So what'd you have for supper?"

me: "Brie."

Monday, September 28, 2009

Dear Apartment 42

You do know that at night, when you have the light on and the blinds are open, I can totally see you talking gibberish to your cat while you change your pants, right? If not, then oops. If so, then dude, you've sullied my porch time. You have to know this. I've thrown marbles at your window. We've been through this. Dude. Seriously. For real?


Apartment 22

ps: I like you, I do, but dude. Seriously.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Remember blogging?

Me neither. That's why I'm cranking up the blog again. Yes, it'll be loaded with actual writing that about 3 kind people will read. It'll be like the good ol' days.

Right after these important messages...

No, really. Oh nevermind, I need a nap and more iron supplements. And gouda. Smoked gouda.

Monday, July 13, 2009

From the very beginning, Stephen Merchant and I had a mutual, standing agreement to "keep our options open". But I'll admit, I've been spending a dangerous amount of time in Chokeville with Joshua these days.

(Good Lord, people, let me dream.)

Thursday, July 09, 2009


Suffering through three megalomaniac houses of horror like this, I could contribute and compare battle scars and chunks of years lost, but instead I'll just read along and shake my head in sad agreement and newfound gratefulness for escaping these gaping, yawning maws of hell.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Nail Art by Design Swan

"It’s incredible how the wide range of life situations, feelings and emotions can be expressed and conveyed by simple nails. Power of art add Genius of creator, making up the nail art from Vlad Artazov. "


source: neatorama.com

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Novocaine for the Soul | Eels

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The Trapeze Swinger | Iron & Wine

Friday, June 05, 2009

Wagon Wheel | Old Crow Medicine Show

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

"White Winter Hymnal" | Fleet Foxes

"Ladies of the World" | Flight of the Conchords

Monday, June 01, 2009

stories of house h[a]unting_Midtown : somewhere on Carr

him: ...so...whaddaya think...

me: I think it's pretty. I think it's really, really pretty.

him: And?

me: And. I think it's the perfect example of one of these 1940s Craftsman-type Bungalowish -- oh hell, I don't know what I'm talking about, you know, but I know what I like-type houses with all these hardwood floors here, redone, nice....but nothing here is too redone, y'know. Spacious rooms, big tall ceilings, ooo-hoo with fans that will stay on until next year, all french double-doory and blah blah, glass doorknobs, most of the original glass in the windows because it's cool and wavy lookin', you can see there....front door beveled and etched and stuff, with stained-glass windows all around the place, like up there, see, and, no cracks in the ceiling, upstairs or down, and you saw all three bathrooms, right, with that one giant bathtub that looked like it may not have too much lead in it, and I checked: actual closet space if you can believe that, and, looking all around, the fixtures are great, crystal chandelier over there is nice, looks damn near original, all pretty much perfect, structurally sound, kitchen's awesome, not too moderned up, all the original cabinets with glass, and no trace of chewed up baseboards or sticky drawers --

him: Ha ha, you said "sticky drawers."

me: What are you, 5 years old?...basement's not terrifying...at all.

him: And...?

me: Ha ha, I said "sticky drawers."

him: And?

me: And...I'm fairly convinced that I could actually get that somewhat typical Midtown smell of deep fried mothballs outta here with a little Orange-Glo, maybe a bit more new sheetrock....

him: Those are plaster walls.

me: Plaster walls. More expensive likely, yeah, but. Whatever. And I'm fairly certain that all the wiring has been redone even though they kept the old button switches, see? Pipes are all good, I was told. Third time I've been here.  I'm just telling you what I know. You know, the guy who buffed this place up, realtor said, is a carpenter.

him: Really.

me: Yes. By trade.

him: Good price, too.

me: Great price. Yep. 

him: ....

me: ....

him: ....

me: ....

him: It's The Ghetto Shack, isn't it.

me: I named it "The Voodoo House" myself. But, hold on. If you look out of every other window in this house and none of the front ones facing directly across the street, you'll never see what I'm guessing started off as a crocodile painted in purple and blue on the door just behind the bottle tree that really isn't a bottle tree at all but more of an evidence-of-industry, a timeline-of-excessive-boozing. Why would anyone sane paint a snake directly onto a tree? I'm asking you. I thought I saw the humor for a second, but now I'm just asking: how is anyone even able to paint an upside-down chicken on a screen porch door? Or, is that a naked woman? And that's either a pile of rusty, kicked-in paint cans or a slumped dead body behind that stack of tires. Either way, obviously, according to a certain yellow-and-blue vibe picked up by the witch doctor across the street, the land surrounding just this corner of the block is an angered burial ground of fallen warriors past that surely must have been razed and built upon, desecrated. No problem: get a real priest in here and have the place holy-watered, sanctified, goofus-dusted. No problem, but...

Look at it. It looks like John Wayne Gacy, Jr., stepped out onto the front porch and exploded.

him: You wanna go get a beer?

me: No. I want two. And then, I want to move to Oregon. Or definitely Europe.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

On My Own, observation 052209_85753-0098.9d

him: Did you know that hydrangeas are the litmus plant of the botanical world? If your blue hydrangeas are blooming pink, or your pinks are purple, you may want to adjust the pH of your soil to get the desired color. Acidic soils turn hydrangeas purple and blue. Alkaline soils leave hydrangeas pink. What you should know is that you can't turn an already pink hydrangea blossom blue or the other way around. But you can make a difference now while the flower buds are forming for next year.

me: Did you say "Did you know" or "Do you care"?

Sunday, April 19, 2009

mom: You got a new brother, his name is Mareno.

me: What?

mom: And a new CD. I'll send you a copy.

More later.

Update, 05/23/09: His name is Mareno, he lives in Guatemala, and he just fell into a goldmine of care packages to be sent his way from "some nice lady in Mississippi."  Hope he really meant it when he said he liked soccer.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I'm just sayin'.

It's not always a bowl of cherries, 
but the rally is sweet.*

*Thank you, Susan. xo - b

image source: Daily Heller Print

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

China: Not so big anymore.

Note: If you read past the first sentence of the first link,
you may temporarily lose your eyesight.
And your hearing. I know I did.

Knowledge Today source: Knowledge @ Wharton

Saturday, April 11, 2009

The Expandable Mobile Mini House

What a rare and beautiful thing,
when you find exactly what you dreamed for:

Friday, April 10, 2009

observation no. 30198345.b.v4

People who preface an opinion with "I don't dislike it, but..." 
probably do dislike it.
A lot. 

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Finally, a photo contest I can sink my teeth into. 

(Sorry, I'm in gooby headline mode today. And everyday, really.)

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

She's 10 years and 2 months old, and so am I.

"try this."

me: "What is it?"

hannah: "it's a special taffy, strawberry banana with peanut butter. or something. maybe it's cotton candy."

me: "Call me crazy, but I don't like strawberry and banana flavors together."

hannah: "you'll like it. trust me."

me: "I'm working on my own piece. It's like, I don't even know what, something with lemon, but it's pink."

hannah: "please, taste it. please? it tastes JUST like potpourri. and trust me: i know what potpourri tastes like."

I miss Hannah. Her mom? Not so much after all, I guess.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

An open letter to the guy in Apartment 42,

Thank you, for at least closing your mini-blinds. I was becoming a little too concerned as to why you hadn't made your bed up with sheets in well over a week. And to be honest, I've been growing more apprehensive by the day that you might decide to lounge about in your unawareness and your allness. But you've drawn closed the blinds now, which is great a success as this is a step in the right direction for you and mainly for me. But let me introduce you to the ancient art of shadow puppetry.

It is an ancient form of storytelling and entertainment using opaque, often articulated figures in front of an illuminated backdrop to create the illusion of moving images. It is popular in various cultures. At present, more than 20 countries are known to have shadow show troupes, and I believe you are unwittingly starring in your own performance in your own country known as Nakedmanland.

What I'm suggesting to you is pants. Or perhaps a table lamp instead of the overhead lamp, which is very, very bright. And you are very, very frightening me. Once again: maybe a can of Slimfast every now and then, and a bit more decorum, and pants will do very, very nicely. It's just a thought.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Cheers to Kevin (and Ralphie), RT, David, Al and Valerie C. Brown 
for the surprise birthday bash, 
for my first myocardial infarction, 
and for being super frikkin' stellar peeps always 
-- I so very love y'all -- xoxo

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I take it back.

I may just be dead and walking the earth in one, long week that never ends. It's felt like that the last few weeks.  Hmm.  More thoughts on that later after I sleep, which is like, what, in 3 days from now I think.  I'll check my calendar.  And why can't I stop thinking about Paris...?

Sunday, March 22, 2009

"Not dead yet" again

I know, how frustrating. I've got a thousand excuses, but I'm changing the sparkplugs, wheeling in the crash cart, climbing from the foxhole, shaking the dust from my sandals, pulling the weeds, fixing a hole where the rain gets in, busting out windshields with baseball bats, and throwing out bags of junk.  

I'm working onnit.  No.  Really. 

"It's...allllliiiiive!" ~ Dr. Frankenstein, Thomas Dolby and labmonkie

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Newseum's Today's Front Pages : The website for the Newseum, DC's interactive news and journalism museum dedicated to"free press, free speech and free spirit for all people," provides virtual visitors with a comprehensive, eagle-eyed view of world news with a feature that links to the brick-and-mortar institution's Today's Front Pages exhibit. Every morning the front page news from over 700 newspapers across the globe is submitted for consideration for the TFP exhibition, but only a small fraction (about 80 front pages) make it to the exhibit. However, all submissions, including those that don't make the initial cut, are included in the online version of TFP, where sources can be sorted by region or visualized geographically on a world map. While there is a substantially larger concentration of American publications, the site states that "with exception of student newspapers, any daily with an interest and the technological capability of transmitting their front pages can be a part of the online exhibit."

Monday, February 16, 2009