Saturday, June 24, 2006

Doesn't this just break your heart?
I didn't realize Erik Estrada was so short.


"Mrs. Hogwallop done up and r-u-n-n-o-f-t."

Or "Gone to the beach and other swell places* for a week."

If I don't come back, don't worry, I'll send for you.

Unless I win that Miss Ocean City beauty pageant,
and in that case, contact my agent Schmuley.

*One of them being Bethany Beach, Delaware,
well, who knew?

Scottshead: I'll call you right before
I shake it at the webcam.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Interoffice Memo-Alert:

There's a chocolate donut with a bite out of it if anyone wants it.


To: Perpetuated M. Cannons and Hester Shaver

"No, thank you" on that Canadian pharmacy offer.

Email from my Austin Jackie to be shared.

Hey Woman! How's thangs? Had a good time in the UK with David and his family. Bryony has grown so much in a year.

Thought about you at the concert when one of the bands performing asked the audience how the sound was and someone behind me yelled out, "It's Rubbbish!!!!" Learned some new words from the locals too.
Great = Aces
Bad = Utter Toliet
Puke = Chundered
Surprised = Staggered
Amazing = Sheer Class

and I actually got to hear someone use this in context...Nancy Boy!
We were at a pub and the bartender asked if I wanted a half-pint (she nods yes) and then looked at Ned and said, "Now don't you be ordering a half-pint like a Nancy Boy!"

I can't believe those dirty underdrawers in that email you sent me!

>> London:
>> What's better than pics of Big Ben, Parliament, The London Bridge,
>> The London Tower and Buckingham Palace?
>> A snack vendor truck:

(It's incredibly touching you connected me
with someone yelling "rubbish."
"Staggered." Ha!
That is the recurring word for the day.)

Love you so, so much, girl!

ps, you've inspired me: only $200 and a few forms,
and my new name could be Nancy Boy.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

For the record, I wasn't fondling the donuts in the kitchen.

I was transferring them all into one, unified box.
It's called "consolidonutting."
Just so you know I'm only *that kind of weird.*

And on top of it all, I used wax paper to do it.
So just leave me to my wicked cleanliness, ok?

(Mmmm. Dohnnnutsss.)

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Well, I'm from Dixie, too, apparently.

Ok. They got me on this one,

although *caramel* has three syllables, no question.
My dad stopped me once on that to correct me:
"No. That's what yankees say."

Oooo. Yank-kays.
I do declare, he said that.

(So I'm, what, 12 years old, and fortunately
he had to explain "yankee" to me.
Just skimmed along discriminatory in my opinion.
Twinge of irony all around. Then I asked,
"So what's the extra 'A' for then - for fun?"
"It's pronounced 'kar-muhl' down here. 'Karmuhl'..."
was the end of the discussion.)

I started a 4-year war with him, shot and ate his horse,
scorched his peaches, pillaged his women,
and finally forced him into surrender
at Richmond and Durham.
But our last battle at Palmito Ranch
ironically ended in a Southern victory.

It's a classic toss-up,


Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Hello, Moto.
Got the RAZR in magenta.
True love.

I tried to forewarn you all about the shoe pics.
But here they must begin.

They call that a close-up, 4x. Huh.

Oh, alright.
Don't let the closeup scare you.
Unless you're afraid of rosemary and lavender.

Here's a nice one right before I broke into the car.
Got $1.62 in loose change, a half pack of Camel Lights,
and a motivational book on tape.
Want it? I already know how it ends.

This is Shaunshead making his scariest pirate face,
complete with pointy hair in the front.
Which translates more vampire than anything.


Anyone needing a vampirate,
send inquiries to me.

Monday, June 19, 2006


*(My parents came to town for the weekend,
and they officially have too much energy for me.
Last night, I slept 11 hours and 45 minutes,
and that was after a 3 hour nap.
Alright, that's it, less decons and more vitamins.
And where's the receipt for that used monkey...
plus, I finally got some PG Tips,
that should do it.
Carry on.)

To Coffecake J. Gazebo
Wiktor Atwater,
Rower R. Librarian,
Severina Kockrim,
Stark N. Aked
and Anita Biggun:

I don't care if Oprah likes it,
no thank you,
I don't want any Hoodia 920+.

To Slating H. Cheekfischer:

Man's Health
Pain Relief
Sexual Health
Sleep Aids
Weight Loss ...

Not interested. Thanks.

Friday, June 16, 2006


" Alex there?"


"'s, uh, Bethany...may I speak to Alex, please?"



"Dude, your mom hates me."

"No, she's just German."

Thursday, June 15, 2006

In response to Afif Hoosier,
Avril Shubert,
Aoibheann Schoch,
Peter Groins,
Mort E. Jaculator
and Harry Torpedo:

No, thank you, I don't need any

Xan ax
CIAL1S from only $3,75
Meri dia from &2,79
P Rozac from *1.99
I don't even know what So Ma is.

But let me get back you about that VAL1 IUM.

Please say someone's brought in gyros for lunch,

and that it's not just a deodorant what's failed.

(Ew. I need to stop the decongestants already.
Heightened senses with no edit. Take these only at night.)

(And everytime I think of failed deodorant jokes,
I fondly think of you, Angry Czeck,
travelling cross-country in his surliness.)

I've been thinking about getting a monkey.

This is Bobo.

Bobo lives in Reno with my dream job.
People just walk up to her
and hand her fistfuls of change
just for being a monkey.
I would gladly invest her cash flow for her.
No, really. I can see it now:

"Sweet, swollen baby of incubus!!
What's this $5,672.69 charge on my AMEX to...
Jungle Fever, LTD?!"

You bought a monkey, remember?
In the box over there. With the holes in it.
The chow was in the other box.
Here's a piece of what's left of it.

The dog ripped into it and ate it all.

"Damn these decongestants!",
flushing them down the toilet.

Apparently, dogs are allergic to discount monkey chow.
So, y'know, the couch is dead now is what I'm trying to say.
Phone's been ringing off the wall
from the organ grinder salesmen alone.

(Annnd, scene.)

My mom had a monkey when she was a kid.
My grandfather owned a *service station* and they bartered
with exotic animals like that. Go figure.
Whatever happened to the monkey?
He ran up a telephone pole and completed an electrical circuit.
Just like that.
Gives new meaning to a smoking monkey, I know.
It was for the best, my mom said.
He liked to run up on top of customers' heads,
part their hair, and bite.
(There's an idea.)
Being a monkey at a service station in Mississippi
in the 1940s will do that to you.

I didn't say it was a good story.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Aha, I knew it!
Crinolines are making a comeback, add that to the list of wants,
maybe thanks to Lily Allen , maybe her stylist, doesn't matter. Nice.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Saw a good t-shirt last night.

Said, "I'm not a doctor, but I'll take a look."
No really. It was funny, you just had to be there.
It wasn't the typical sunburned cable-guy type
who'd wear the "Moustache Rides, 5 Cents" greasy, sweaty cap.
It was a woman with gold-rimmed sunglasses
who looked like a 4th grade teacher.
One who'd take her shoe off and threaten you with it
if you didn't share your crayons with that creepy kid
with the chipped tooth, the one
who wears grass-stained socks with his sandals
and picks his nose while he stares you right in the eye,
and his mom and dad always look mean and
have to start their car, a station wagon with wood paneling,
with a red screwdriver, and the antenna is broken off, clean off...
what's that kid's name?...Oh yeah: Cliff.
That's it.
Still not funny?
Ok, it must be the decongestants then.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

My new adult entertainment name:
Candy Beans

(That's all. Just had to claim it. Carry on.)

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Can't stand it, had to post
your weekend happiness early.

I don't know why Blogger's servers were down
hacking up hairballs yesterday.
Could it be...


I can't properly express my love for MXC.

My next job. I can't wait.

And finally, I'm saving my pennies up for Space Camp.
I'm getting the t-shirt for sure.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Bigfoot, alien hovercraft, and Nessie.

Try not to make eye contact.

And then I saw my shadow and, dammit,
there were 6 more weeks of summer.

Eh, not a bad one for the end of the day.
Thanks to our contributing wildlife and oddities photographer,
Miles Stephenson for this rare shot. )

Summer. Hot. Need Gatorade.

Homicidal tendencies on the rise.
General heat riles up the bandits, while excessive heat
calms them down and occasionally heatstrokes them
right out of the game.
We've got an air advisory out today, too.
Would've been nice to know before the morning walk.
Memphis. It's all those FedEx planes.
It really is.

Air advisories.
They really have you by the goodies when it comes to air, don't they?
Gas prices soar. Ok, I'll walk or just won't use the car.
Fuzzy, huggable animals don't want to be eaten.
Not a problem, I'll have soy.
(Luckily, soybeans don't have cute wiggly-tailed babies.)
But air... man. There is no substitute for that, is it?
Gas masks, maybe.
All the rage with the military, I'm hearing.

Do they come in pink?

Oh, it's comin', babies. But eh, have no fear.
Things work out, you watch.

Did I tell you I'm going to the beach in two weeks?
Scott said he'd take a screenshot of me here
when I get there

Ron told me they have pink RAZRs on sale.
Dude. Like I can concentrate now.
I've been threatening this for awhile, but now, I mean it.
Tomorrow, my new life with a pink camera phone gets underway.

Please join me for the ribbon cutting.

It'll be my special brand of lighthearted boring,
so join me, won't you.
There will be pizza.
Thin crust.

And hooch.

But get there early for that,

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Please vote for the cute little lamb in Video 1,
or we'll *have him seen to* with the kaiser blade.
In front of the children.
You want that? Huh? Do you?

Still unsure?
Vote for the cottonball detailing alone.

Plus, he'll punch you in the face if you don't vote for him,
and he's skyscraping tall. With a heart of gold.

(For real.)

Speaking of, I have to admit something
so I can get on with my life.

I have a paralyzing crush on Stephen Merchant,
and I can't stop listening to the xfm archives.

I'm serious. I really can't.

Maybe you should listen, too. But fair warning:
He's mine, all mine.

(Yes, Angry Czeck, that was to you -- mine not yours.)

Friday, June 02, 2006

Giant fake teeth... check.

Giant fake boobs... check.

Giant real sad item... checkcheckcheckycheckcheck.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

"Sure, I enjoy contortion...

...the kind that is graceful and beautiful*
and not to be confused in any way with this Garden of Eden variety
worming its way straight toward the tender, yummy children,"
I whispered sideways, eyes trained on the alien spawn,
as I instinctively began feeling around
for the cold steel of the loaded shotgun behind me...

The children did the right thing by remaining very, very still.
Personally, I'd have fainted and urinated on myself in that order.

But if you make it to the end, you'll notice that even Santa
looks to the camera for some sort of explanation or direction or whipcrack.


I can't say for sure, and we don't know yet,
but Santa may have peed on himself, too.

(Santa tinkle? Has this blog officially taken a turn for the worse?)

*Also, not to be confused with this type of contortion:
where sitting on your own face in red pleather
not only suits you but also the middle-aged paperboy
enjoying the warm glow of the Dell monitor too, too immensely.

ps: the other day, I found one of these
crawling out of my shower drain and squashed it.