Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Eh. I'm still not convinced she's not fake.

But I think there's a braincell in there just waiting to happen
because I'm nice.
It's hours and hours of not fake fun for you at

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Thank you thank you, shaunshead!

For the Frank and Frank! from

Monday, November 28, 2005

Welcome to Cyber Monday:
The day everyone does their holiday shopping online,
so they say.

So grab your credit cards and some hot chocolate!
It's time to slow-roast those credit cards.
Here --
make your own snowflake
while your information is being processed.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

I think it'll be good when the riots come, the world blows up and the survivors of the New World will at least be able to enjoy the holiday season by reinventing them all and making it simple.

I just had to get that out of my head before the standard U.S. Holidays started.

I'm not one of those people who jumps on the "I hate holidays" bandwagon. No way. I love them. In fact, we need more, as long as we get a day off for them.

It's just an observation, but am I right? Every year, Thanksgiving becomes more of a footnote. More of a teddybear with one eye missing that most people think is cute but could take it or leave it. Isn't that just about right? People who are hardcore consumers are usually big Christmas fans. I know a lot of those people. So I watch them plow right down into the XMAS 2005 Shopping Season quite easily. These are the people who, God forbid, would never consider making a gift for someone out of a wad of clay or a fistfull of beads; they BUY BUY BUY, NOW NOW NOW before you might BUY BUY BUY That Stuff they wanted to BUY BUY BUY BEFORE YOU YOU YOU.

The official "waking of the sleeping holiday giant" really begins in October with a "Trick or treat! Smell my feet! It's Halloween." And then, screeeechkerPOW, it's Christmas frag all over the place. My favorite thing about a 21st century Thanksgiving is that people just blow right past it. And I think that is beautiful. But then again, I laugh at the most inappropriate times. Nerves.

"Screw Thanksgivin'!," the over-priviledged middle-class yeehaw screams, "Madision and Addison! Finish them fun-sized Snicker bars and help me throw fairy lights 'round the front yard...hey, Nadine! Where's my blow-up Santa??"

For me, the fun starts with which retailer will have the mixed nuts to play the first whiff of Christmas? Who will play that ambient, canned Holiday musak shortly after Halloween but not quite Thanksgiving, to lull you into the howling-mad buying spree snowballing right over you and those sad Pilgrims and their measely Giving of Thanks with those locals with the beads and teepees and something like that, with corn and pumpkins and all that gravy, until you get to that day where there was some kid in the manger with the hippie couple, yada yada, sheep and kings, whatever...

Hell. I don't think people choose not to celebrate the simple blessings of having small things and sharing them with each other, if that's what Thanksgiving is really all about. Do I look like I know? Alls I know about Thanksgiving is that there's a big parade in New York, and turkey wings are overrated. And I'm thankful I never have to be around my Aunt Martha Ann and her perverted second husband, Russell. The end.

No, I think The Big C (a.k.a. Christmas and its mighty SUV-sized V-12 mean-machine consumerism) just blows a 21st century Thankgiving right out of its pipes before it knows what hit it.

I stay confused and at odds with myself.

Ron and I went to buy a turkey the other day. And my eyes glazed over and froze as I stood motionless with indecision hunched over into the grocery store freezer, bowling frozen-solid turkeys around over and behind each other, and I asked myself "Why am I even doing this? I don't want to cook this damn thing. It'll take $70 worth of gas to even cook the thing. Something small would be nice. Why am I doing this?"

So I looked for tiny turkeys, and I guess they don't make that model because I didn't see one. Then I considered torfurkey, and then my third eye saw Ron turning pink and rolling his eyes at my suggestion, and then I snapped outta that notion. And then I realized, as I hoisted a child-sized frozen headless and footless fowl into my cart that the only reason I was even considering doing this at all was because I was superstitious. No, really. As if I didn't cook and eat a turkey as I have done every year of my conscious life, then I would have Bad Luck or something. If anything, I should try to Not Eat a turkey and see how Lady Luck deals my hand for 2006. So after wheeling this bird up and down a few aisles with me, I rolled it over to the pork section for one last independent thought. Then accidentally glacing over at the 4-pack of fresh-cut pigs feet, I felt a grip tightening around my throat. "Is it demand that created supply, or supply that created demand?"

I suppose I had That (Grayish) Look on my face, so Ron turned pink and rolled his eyes at me as usual, grabbed the turkeyus maxiumus and spun around, then walked it back to its subzero crypt and tossed it back, airborne, into and amongst its brethren. "We'll just have pizza!" His answer to everything.

We're having a small turkey tenderloin. I'm superstitious, raised in the religion "Consumer".

But I am not complaining. Oh nooo. I'm not the type that will complain about a holiday. I am just looking and typing. Not me, boy. I would never look a gift turkey in the beak. As long as we, the barely middle-class working class, get a day or two off to see what it's like to be a fat jolly housewife, lolly-gagging and lounging and napping and eating bon-bons, just for two days, then that is a-ok with me until I win the lottery.

Anyway, what is my point? I have no idea. Maybe that's beautiful. Enjoy the day, wherever you are and whatever you do or don't do. That's probably something you should do everyday anyway. There. That's the only little nugget of zen I can chisel that complex sociological lump of consumerism coal into. And for the road, here is a little bun of senseless happiness for you -- whether you skip the holidays altogether or get all into like a bag of buttered biscuits.
(Thanks for the link, W!)

Dancin' Doughboy

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Oh, Kazakhstan: Lighten Up!

Most people watching didn't even realize
that you were a real country to begin with.

Eh, don't feel so bad.
Now you know how Mississippi feels.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Wheeooheeeoooo, I'm a millionaire! AGAIN!

Six hundred and sixty seven thousand, two hundred and forty eight Euros. Twenty six cents to be exact.

I'd like to thank God "My New Main Man" Daddy G, of course, and the big JC, for giving me this giant heap of cash, and my mom and my dad for having me, and my agent that I'll be hiring who can keep a straight face in pitch meetings, and all the llama farmers or America, and I'd like to thank Cadbury for making the best chocolate around, and my dog Otis for keepin' it real, and all my best friends that I'll be making since I'm filthy rich now and I'd like to thank myself mostly for siging up for some dumb newsletter and having my name sold to la lista del Spam.

Euromillion Loteria Español
Paseo De La Castellana
15-89, 28008 Madrid.
Spain Branch.

Ref. Nº: ES/007/05/12/MAD.
Batch. Nº: GHT/2907/333/05.

We wish to congratulate you over your email success in our computer balloting sweepstake held on 20th october, 2005. This is a millennium scientific computer game in which email addresses were used. It is a promotional program
aimed at encouraging internet users; therefore you do not need to buy ticket to enter for it.
Your email address attached to ticket star number (4-5) drew the EUROMILLION lucky numbers 3-19-26-49-50 which consequently won the draw in the Second category.
You have been approve for the star prize of EUR 667,248.26. (Six
Hundred And Sixty Seven Thousand, Two Hundred And Fourty Eight Euros. Twenty
Six Cents)


You are advised to keep this winning very confidential until you receive
your lump prize in your account or optional cheque issuance to you. This
is a protective measure to avoid double claiming by people you may tell as
we have had cases like this before, please send your Full Name,Home and
Office Tel & Fax Number, Mobile Tel Number and your winning ticket number,reference
numbers and amount won information for processing of your winning fund to
our registered claim agent in addrres below.

Mainland Trust Security Service
Mr.Phillip Weeks
Address: Avenida de America 12
Madrid Spain.
Rememer, all winning must be claimed not later than 30th november, 2005.Please note, in order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications, remember to quote your reference number and batch number in all correspondence.
Furthermore, should there be any change of address do inform our agent as soon as possible.

Once again congratulations.

Best regard,
Mrs. Emily Simon,
Lottery coordinator.

The information transmitted is intended only for the person or entity to whom or which it is addressed. Unauthorised use, disclosure or copying is strictly prohibited. The sender accepts no liability for the improper transmission of this communication nor for any delay in its receipt

Monday, November 14, 2005

Can you spot the fake smile?

I got 17 out of 20. But I saw 19.
Interesting experiment courtesy of the BBC online.

Friday, November 11, 2005

"Arrested Development" cancelled.

Theory now fact: Excellent shows are wasted on the average moo-cow American audience and the executives at Fox.

So kids, listen up. Grab a digital camcorder and record the neighbor's dog taking a crap. You get the idea, you're the future, you spend your parents' money. You tell us what to feed you. Fox is looking for sellout ideas. Oh, and you have a little time to get that crap together -- let Fox get their watered down prison show out of the way in the next few weeks. It shouldn't take long.

But thank God more time has been freed up for more reality shows.
Not that God is taking requests anymore apparently,*
but send in that big "thanks."

*Aw. I don't blame the guy.
I'd throw the petri dish away and start over, too.
But that's just the gingersnap in me talkin'...yummy gingersnaps and Revelations.

Dude. I'm a gingersnap.
I was thinking I was more of an Oreo.

Starbucks owns you and me and the world,
but this is one of the reasons why.
Because they're gooooooood.
All the way down to this website.

Check out

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Digging through the ole saved Drafts...

Trust me, it's more rewarding than sorting socks. No, really. I mean it. I hate organizing socks. All socks should be disposable, and then you'd never have to pair them up after the big wash, the big wash where one bastard sock manages to escape anyway. Yeah yeah, you know the story. So where does that escapee sock go? To live on the Island of Salted Airline Peanuts, Full-Service Gas Stations and Broken Dreams.

Let's see what we got here:

Oh yeah, you gotta make your own pimpmobile at blingmybomb. I had one but don't know where I put it. Repossessed. Don't let this happen to you.

Speaking of pimpin' the ride, pimp your site while you're at it with gizzoogle. Look how much better CNN looks. I can actually read it without crying...

I can't remember what this is, but it might be funny. Or fizzy. Or the fiznit or fizzle-fied, however you wanna say it with tizzletalk. It's a free country. For the time being. Until the A-bomb comes...leading me to

...Open source beer. Period.

And a few books worth reading, I'll bet:

How to be a Graphic Designer Without Losing Your Soul

Chip Kidd

Why I'm Like This

Oh yeah! Izzes! These are so good, they don't even need vodka. You knew I had to say that, right? Yeah. I go for the obvious jokes when I'm doing laundry...



I have no idea what this is: JFDS video. Wait, I remember now. It's very cool.

Ok, that's done. Now, go forth and enjoy. I'm off to watch "Lost" now (I still think those people are in a purgatory-type state of in-between Then maybe I am...DAMMIT, I knew I shouldn't have mercy-killed that prostitute in 1865...)

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

"Look at it this way: You dodged a bullet, hun."

At least that's what my mom always told me.*

What a great idea - gather up all the old jewelry
that gassy waste of cytoplasm gave you
and have it melted and made into
something sentimental:

*Except for the time I dated the pudgy, closeted illustrator.
That time, she said "Well, hun...he wasn't THAT special...
I mean, honestly. He was two milkshakes away
from Louie Anderson."

Zing pow to the moon, Alice. I love my mom.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Oh boy! Congratulations once more!

I am therefore to be happily claiming Two million, five hundred thousand, United States Dollars.


British Lottery Headquarters:
Customer Service

Ref: BTL/491OXI/04
Batch: 12/25/0304


We happily announce to you the draw of the British
Lottery International programs held on the 1st of
June 2005 in London. Your e-mail address attached
to ticket number: 564 75600545-188 with serial number
5388/02 drew the lucky numbers: 31-6-26-13-35-7,which
subsequently won you the lottery in the 2nd category.

You have therefore been approved to claim a total
sum of US$2,500,000.00 (Two million, five hundred thousand,
United States Dollars) in cash credited to file
RPC/9080118308/04 made available from a total cash prize
of US $125 Million dollars, shared amongst the first Fifty
(50) lucky winners in this category.

All participants were selected randomly from world
wide web sites through a computer drawn system and
extracted from over 100,000 companies. This promotion
takes place annually.

Please note that your lucky winning number falls
within our booklet representative office in Europe as
indicated in our play coupon. In view of this, your
US$2,500,000.00 (Two million, five hundred
thousand, United States Dollars) would be released to
you by our affiliate bank in London as soon as you
establish contact.

Please be warned. To file for your claim, contact our
fiduciary agent with the below details;

AGENT: Mr Joe Perkins


To avoid unnecessary delays and complications, quote your
reference/batch numbers in any correspondences with us or
our designated agent. Congratulations once more.


Mr Micheal Ronin.

Zone Co-ordinator.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

more links on hurra torpedo because none of you are tired of them yet.

Oh no, you're not. Not here you aren't.

Kids, a birthday party and smashing shit. It's just funny. from

But if it's boobies you're looking for then it's
for you.
(I always find these things out the hard way.)

And if you're still coming here looking for free flexy girls, I wish I could help you out of your misery. Honestly. But I can't. Try God instead. Or bourbon. Hell, try both. And for the person wondering and how much beano can i take, I say "Follow your heart."

But as far as finding Johnny Depp's email,'re beautiful, but give up the ghost, angel. I'm not giving it to you.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005


Brian posted the "back of m' head" picture.* How many times do you get to say that in a lifetime? Thanks, Brian! And thank you, Biolage.

By the way: I have to say, Brian, besides the luxurious hair you have, you also have an awfully nice set of gams, brother. And I'm not talkin' a herd of whales either.
Again, how many times do you get to say that in a lifetime.

And now I'm off to write my novel about about a pale skinny Irishman with great hair. Who went camping one day. On an uncharted island. With Bigfoot. Played by Rob Schneider.

That's all I can say. I don't want to give away the ending.

*Try it sometime. It takes real skill. And the sense of accomplishment, don't get me started.