Friday, February 28, 2003

Very interesting stuff. Wonder if the albino 7-up one is true...

Things You May NOT Have Known

1. Money isn't made out of paper; it's made out of cotton.

2. The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the varieties of pickles the
company once had.

3. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks - other wise
it will digest itself.

4. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

5. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

6. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down
continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

7. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

8. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

9. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

10. Every person has a unique tongue print.

11. The 'spot' on 7 UP comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was

12. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

13. During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in
the distance.

14. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

15. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

16. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will
kill a small sized dog.

17. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

18. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's
stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

19. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear

20. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.

21. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at
the same time.

22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in '87 by eliminating one olive from
each salad served in first class.

23. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were
made of wood.

24. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in
the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the
'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored
the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

25. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

26. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple,
and silver!

27. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, there was never a
recorded Wendy before!

28. Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint
Mona Lisa's lips.

29. If you pour a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go
mad and sting itself to death.

30. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have
$1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being
able to make change for a dollar.

31. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a
Captain Kirk mask painted white.

32. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which
stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

33. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for
automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the
Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

34. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in

35. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of
celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples.

36. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

37. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

38. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space
because passing wind in a space suit damages them.

39. Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't
considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's
Flight Simulator.
"A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer;
a bird sings because it has a song."

-- Maya Angelou

I think that's what she said and how she said it.

Monday, February 24, 2003

Actually, yes, this is Us/Me now.

Sent in from Austin Jackie, cosmic sistuh of righteousness:

Will This Be Us Someday?

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely
large enough to see over the dashboard. As they cruised along, they
came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, I must be losing it,
I could have sworn we just went through a red light.

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was
red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was
almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that
she might be seeing things.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red
and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and cried, "Oh $hit! Am I driving?"

Friday, February 21, 2003

:::Today's Horoscope:::

ARIES (Mar 20ˆApr 19): Even if you are afraid of the uncertainty of your feelings, today would be a good day to push yourself past your normal emotional limits. You‚ll probably be able to get the support of your friends and associates˜at least that‚s how it will appear. Just remember that things may not be as they seem. Trust your own judgment more that you trust the words of others, unless, that is, they are reading poetry.

That's odd. It mentions nothing at all about the crappy day I have had so far. Maybe a hidden translation lies somewhere in the *uncertainties of your feelings* part. It's true, this morning I couldn't decide between "absolute rage" or "total disgust" when I couldn't get into my own car because the maroon Ford Expedition was parked 6 inches from my driver's side door. Ladies and gentlemen, Ford Expeditions may look big as they barrel past you on the road, forcing you left or right accordingly to Bernoulli's Principle. But I am here to state, for the record, that when a Ford Expedition is blocking you out of your own car at 9:07 in the morning, that's one big whale of a truck that gets bigger every second.

Did I key it? Did I let the air out of the behemoth tires? Did I leave the nastiest note on it, one that would make a hooker cry? No. Did I think about it? Oh yes. Oh yes, yes. But not initiating a landwar between me and the lumbering rockhead who navigates that land barge was probably the best and most rational thing I've done all day.

Even though I will most likely develop a burning stomach ulcer, I decided against any other action except to spread the tag number around of CUS 347 Shelby County, Tennessee. And any creative usage of destroying its integrity by anyone else would be greatly appreciated, however not directly solicited or in any legal way advisable.

The Good Ole Days would've thought up some creative retaliation, harmless but annoying, like a quick application of Crisco® oil and dimestore flour to the entire windshield of the Ford Expedition. But the Good Ole Days didn't have a car and didn't rent property in their own name with complete strangers who drive big, burly vehicles who also could be disgruntled FedEx workers. The Good Ole Days spent most of its time on privately-owned property, well underaged for a permanent offense to stick on its record. So no. I entertained the Good Ole Days but left them outside in the cold rain as I crawled through the passenger's side door and was happily surprised by my agility, flexibility and all around upper-body strength.

But next time, I will probably write all over that car with lipstick, boy. The most glittery lipstick I can find. Words inspired by the free-thinking, peptic ulcer. "Thank you for parking so close to me! (contour drawing of flower) Or did the gravitational forcefield of your truck drag my car into orbit around it? (big picture of happy face) Good luck reading this, Junior!" (heart illustration with lots of x's and o's).

If I don't do that, then I will definitely keep it in mind.

Last thing on the horoscope: What is that indiscernible last line about somebody reading poetry? Even though horoscopes are for entertainment purposes only, it just goes to show that smoking pot clearly does not make someone a better writer.

Friday, February 14, 2003

happy valentines day to you.
are you wearing red?
did you think about it
and re-think about it,
saying to yourself
"no, it's goobie.
everybody who wears red
just looks like they missed their bus
to Whooville.
i'll just tell people
i'm wearing red underwear."

or, are you actually wear-i-i-ing red underwear?

screw the green on St. Paddy's Day --
red shirt, red sock, red underwear people UNITE!
because your day is always filled with pink hearts,
bubbly, gold drinks,
and many, many
chocolate kisses.

and remember, the ones who make fun of you
for wearing red?
sources say, they all secretly have VD.

no i'm not drunk.
i'm just wearing a red sweater!

xoxoxox - yer Palentine, Bubbles

Thursday, February 06, 2003

This is for my friend, Katherine:

I absolutely have no idea what to say or do,
limited by my own mind. Always.
It's now when I can see what human really means
held up to the light, most frustrated.
I'm sorry for things that will come in waves.
The only thing I know from experience
is that the people who are most willing to help will never,
by cosmic design,
be able to understand the ones who seem to refuse it.
Always remember the fractures you can't see;
they are the ones that no one can fix.
If it seems like a human can't hold onto life, it's not true.
It's when life holds onto them so hard
they would feel better elsewhere.
And they have to let go.

A human soul held up to the light is clear and bright, like a pane of glass.
Remember what's on the other side.

Monday, February 03, 2003

Ok, on the Subject of My New Black Pants:

Online shopping is one of the best things to ever happen to someone like me. I hate the traditional, ol'skool shopping almost as much as Fred Flinstone probably would have. Ever see him at a mall? Not that I recall. Granted, he wore the same spotted pelt, day after day. But odds are, he would've hated shopping for clothes at the local Bedrock Gap.

So I bought these nice little Black Presentation Pants, you know, for those special times when I have to go to client meetings looking more presentable than the usual "my sweater is too dang Britney Spears short" with matching "my jeans are too dang Christina Aguilera low."

Don't get me started on how much I have rued the past few years of paying more money for less clothing.

So I cruise around Old Navy. com (stop laughing at my blase conformity; at least they offer stretchy disposable clothes). And so I arrive at the aforementioned little Black Presentation Pants. I order them. They fit nicely around the waist. This much I saw in the bathroom mirror at home.

But here's the drawback to shopping online: at least in a dressing room, you are forced to see what you look like, 360 degrees, in full-length before you walk around in public in your new pants. I, however, just decided they must look fine being that they didn't look low-n-coochie like every other pair of pants I've been forced to buy lately.

I don't remember "Tony Orlando and Dawn bellbottom-cut" in the description when I ordered them.


I just caught a glimpse of myself in our Hall of Mirrors here at work, and I really look like I'm missing spangles down the legs of these things. I honestly look like I should be pulling rabbits out of a hat, producing pigeons from my jacket or flourishing a deck of cards in your direction, begging you to pick a card, any card.

And I am not exaggerating because when I mentioned this to a friend up here, she had no other response but to burst into laughter.

I shall go home and dig out my black angora beret complete with sequins (don't ask) and polish up on my miming skills tonight.

Remember my handy tip the next time you order clothes online. Be smarter than me. Also, try on your newly ordered Timberlands with some other sock thinner than acrylic, dollar store monkey toe-socks. Which is another story entirely, and again my own fault.

Man I'm so tired today that I can't even drink water. Ever been that tired? Yeah, damn cat woke me up every time I almost fell asleep last night.

I am so tired that I am boring myself into little pieces. So let's see if there is anything interesting to find online...

Number one, I need to online-order that caffeine soap I was talking about a few days ago...

Maybe that's another problem: I keep having dreams where I beat up some hippie. I have no idea what that is. Well, okay, I do. Work is extremely frustrating lately. And again, that is a boring topic right now.

What the hell was I doing. Oh yes, trying to find something good online to wake me up. Even though it's already almost time to go home.

I've stayed frustrated for a couple of weeks now. That is interesting to me because I can deal with innane stuff for a good long while. Intestinal fortitude is what it is. Lately though, it doesn't take much to send me off fantasizing of smashing things with a baseball bat. Or more often than baseball bats, I fantasize about bowling.

Bowling's a nice, friendly sport where people drink beer and actually participate in the sport as they sip that tall cool one. That is retro-American; that is blue-collar pretty and proud. I likes it, I likes it.

But this bowling I daydream about is even better because it involves one part Bugs Bunny, one part Nightmare Before Christmas, and the head of that special someone who makes you dream of hippie-beatings on your night off.

If only I could shame someone with his or her own head. If only I could grab someone by the face and bowl that head down the hall... and the best part would be the cosmic stipulation that if your head was bowled, you had to go find it and reattach it yourself. On your own, with no assistance from your snickering audience around you.

If anyone found your head and gave it back to you, that would be considered cheating and the head would explode upon reattachment. Then it'd be a trip to the local Head Shop for a used model lost-and-found on the side of the road much like a hubcap. These stores would specialize in second-hand heads. Custom order heads and factory heads would be really expensive.

Oh, to be shamed into searching for your own head on your hands and knees in your good Sunday clothes.

Then that just reminds me of "The Young Ones" where Vivian's head got knocked off in a train accident I think, and his body just ended up kicking his own sassing head down the train tracks even more.

I feel a lot less frustrated for the moment.

Check it out. It's Bowling with Humans as the Ball. No, really. Enjoy.