Sunday, October 26, 2008

Things I didn't need to know about coffee and my Dad's personal prefs.

mom: "Well, China best not be so full of themselves these days. Since we aren't gettin' paid, they ain't gettin' paid either y'know. Oh that reminds me, I heard on the television the other day that drinking coffee makes your bosoms smaller."

me: "Three cups, I think you told me."

mom: "Yeah, did I? Well, if that's the truth, I'm totin' a pot around with me everywhere I go from now on. I hate my bosoms. They just get in the way."

me: "...'bosoms'...I think you mean 'bosom', singular."

mom: "Yeah, whatever, breasticles. Every time I ever said anything about gettin' rid of my bosoms, your Daddy would go, 'I wish I had some. I wouldn't get anything done all day.'''

me: "Yeah. You know what, you don't have to tell me those stories, ma. Those are 'you and him' stories, you know what I mean?"

mom: "Did you hear me? I said, he goes, 'I wouldn't get anything done all day!'"

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Why My Dad Wouldn't Let Me Date Theater Majors

"What're they gonna do when they get outta school? Act like they gotta job?"

If only he'd told me the truth about philosophy majors, too.

Thursday, October 23, 2008


mom: "So I got this AbRocket thing. Have you seen them, have you tried it?"

me: "No. But. I think I saw it in there on the floor, in the front bedroom. And. I admit it. I sat on it. Why?"

mom: "Well, I haven't really tried it yet. Once I get down on the ground with that thing, I can't get back up."

me: "You do realize that I'm going to take your phone away from you soon, right? Hm. But. You should get a Wii. A Wii Fit. That's what you need."

mom: "What's that?"

me: "It's a computer game, it's a thing, with a board you stand on thing, it's a long story. But you just stand on it. You could do the hulu hoop or something. It's exercise. You don't look interested in what I'm saying. You aren't listening to me, are about you get a Wii Fat instead. I'm getting one of those."

mom: "What's that?"

me: "It's a similar type of thing, except you sit on it and drink a bunch of red wine and eat cheese dip. It tells you to hurry up and eat the dip before it gets that nasty, plastic skin on it. You're not listening to me, are you. It's a joke. I'm trying to be funny. And before you ask me, no, they don't sell them on QVC."

mom: "I haven't seen those on QVC. They sent me a card the other day, did I tell you? It said 'thank you' and it was from Hallmark. Hallmark y'all, not some cheap ol' piece of crap card. Can you believe that? A card from Hallmark!"

me: "Good lord. They frikkin' well better."

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Who could ask for anything more.

mom: "I wish I'd had a gay son."

me: "I'm sure that could still be arranged. Have you checked QVC?"

mom: "I mean it. They have manners, and they'd go shopping with me. I mean it. I really do."

me: "I know you do. I wish you had, too. And, if you'd had a son, he'd have been gay. For sure."

mom: "Oh, that'd have just killed your daddy. He'd probably have killed him with a shovel. God love 'im."

me: "You know what?"

mom: "What."

me: "I've got rhythm."

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

On the subject of my mom's recent house burglary:

mom: "So I was telling Jane about getting robbed, and she stopped and asked me, 'How can you tell me all this, with a smile on your face?'..."

me: "What'd you tell her -- 'Years of practice'?"

mom: "No, but on the bright side, the bastard found the remote control I've been looking for, for 3 years now."

Monday, October 20, 2008

Green Beret Dad + Judy Garland Mother = Whatever Normal Is to Me

mom: "Now, I'm just mad."

me: "So you skipped all the other stages of denial. I know the feeling. I guess."

mom: "So anyway, that's when I told the cops 'Next time, I'll put three bullets in their chest and one in the head.'"

me: "It's not that I don't agree. I'm just sayin'. In that case, I hope Frank Melton breaks into your house next time. Did I tell you that I was walking the dog the other night, and he scared two kids on bikes, one crashed into a parked car, the other fell on the ground, and I just kept on talking and walking with a phone, like I was a Wall Street trader or somebody? I feel kind of bad about that. Shouldn't I feel bad about that?"

mom: "You know what I got?"

me: "I mean, I do feel bad about that. But it's not like he was a small kid. In fact, he was too old to be riding that bike. You know what I mean? I mean, he was like old enough to be advised by some adult to sue or something. Is that just wrong of me? I mean, he looked like he drank beer already. I should feel bad, shouldn't I."

mom: "Hey listen, you know what I got?"

me: ...

mom: "I got rhythmmmmm, I got muuuuusic -- ha!"

me: "So they sell that on QVC now?"

mom: "Have you tried one of these apples? I bought $23 worth of them the other day. Guess what I had for dinner."

me: "Rhythm?"

Yes, I do love my mom.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Okay, so the gamila company is not a fundraising site.
But look at designs that make you smile as a charitable act:
and would you rather have "evil" in the world, "or "pie"?

And no, even though it is one of my formal street names,
"evil pie" is not a real option.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Dammit. I missed it this year.

And how does this fall into charitable causes?
Music heals the soul, especially gospel choirs. Look it up, it's true.
They don't call it "Amazing Grace" for nothing, y'know.

Mark the calendars for next year's event, or even better,
all y'all get to church and practice. It gives me ideas.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Yes, it's charitable. Donate a laugh to someone who'll recycle it.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

This year for Halloween, I'm gonna be something really scary.

Like hunger, cruelty to animals, or cancer and other catastrophic diseases.

What been going on lately? Is everyone frightened enough by the man-eating, blood-thirsty, and bad-breathed economy? "The stock market is crazy, gas prices are nuts, the holidays are coming, I don't know who to vote for, 'I can see Russia from my house!', I think I pulled a muscle in my head..."

I know how you feel. But you know how I feel? Like doing something. Call it fighting back, call it investing, just call it. You want to invest in something that's a sure bet in this crazy, mixed-up world, spinning out of control, and with cellulite? Donate to a good charity.

That's just what I think, because I know for a fact research and funds used properly can help expose all the monsters and boogiemen under the beds, hanging out under there with those scary tumor-bunnies, in the evil Darkened Closet of Poverty and Hunger.

This month (more like a week then I'll get bored) in honor of All Things Scary, I'll highlight some of the charitable cause sites I've found along the way. Gimme more if you've got 'em. And, no money? No problem. Most places also accept donations of time. For example, try It's addictive, just be smart. It's fun. Then pass it around. Yes, again.

Oh c'mon. You care. You know you do. That's why I like you. By all means, don't be scared -- enjoy, and enjoy putting your money into something with a real pay-off.