Wednesday, July 20, 2005

employee5: it looks like they caught Jabberjaw

labmonkie: HOLY SHIT*
employee5: yeah b
labmonkie: jabberjabberjabberjabberjabberjabberjabber jawwwwwww

*Well really, what else can you say? That is the biggest shark I never, ever wanted to see. But, of course, I 'd love to see what's in him, like in Jaws. I bet there's a Dodge Dart in there. A Chevy Cavalier with a dead stool pigeon's bones in it maybe. I bet you two clams that there's two or three dolphins in there, too. So if you know any hippies out there who may be upset at this gigantic shark's untimely demise, assure them that this matter is A-OK, and do not be upset. This thing probably has Flipper and a sea lion or two stuck in its teeth.

Monday, July 18, 2005

(open source keyboard)

rather neato


There are two things you can call a girl
who barely breaks a sweat
while walking in "feels like 94 degrees" heat
with a humidity factor of 68% :
Either (1) a professional, or (2) a zombie.

Or, am I just a professional zombie?

Friday, July 15, 2005

Brought to you by Starbucks' Doubleshot Espresso.

It's 5:30am. There's a storm 97 miles away. I can't hear it, but the Doppler Radar and the over-sensitive labrahound are picking up on it. The Doppler didn't breathe hot, sticky scaredy dog breath in my face. Whomever did shall remain anonymous and sleeping on my feet under the damn desk. But. What to do, what to do...

50 best websites

Then skid into that wall about 1:15pm, and crash and burn. No problem.

z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z....

Dammit, dammit, damn damn dammit.

I don't need one more tube of toothpaste. I don't. I've resisted this with those crazy breath strips in it and all three of these so far. But I'm not made of wood, ya know. Not entirely anyway.

So I really want this #18 White Peach toothpaste from Breath Palette. Actually I really want almost all these flavors, except yogurt. AKA congealed, clotted milk. Alias "something crawled into my mouth during the night and died a fuzzy death." I know, I know. I eat yogurt, but the key factor is, like any garden variety sane person, I don't wanna brush that taste into my mouth. No. I don't even wanna talk about it anymore, do you?

"Developed by the Japanese." Well of COURSE it was, who else would think up #14 Indian Curry? Japan: Thank you for the sushi, and thank you for being totally insane yet productive at the same time. I love you, you and your crazy koi goldfish ponds and your big-headed Hello Kitty.

ps: Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't see flouride in that going to be a problem for me down the cherry blossom highway when I lose my teeth? No. I'll just eat more sashimi. I like how you think, Japan!

And finally, I love Cursor Miner even more than Japan.

So anyone in the neighborhood, go see him.
Tell him I think he is cooler than Japan.
Tell him I really mean it.

Saturday july 16th

The Attic, Oxford Road, Manchester, M1 5NP
T: (0161) 2366071

Live: Cursor Miner (Combat, Lo Recordings)
Live: Scan One (Combat, Blase)
Dj: Stormfield (Combat, Fuel)

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

(shaunshead brought in some Russian candy. damnski, it was good. and pretty. thank you, shaunshead)

Sunday, July 10, 2005

"Then what does that cat hanging around my front porch mean?"

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves...

"One is Evil. It is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego...

"The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Boy, I sure do love Wang's.

Honestly, I just can't eat enough Wang's. I mean really, even if there's a line around the block for people waiting for some Wang's, I'll gladly stand and eagerly wait my turn. Why, I bet I could eat Wang's at least twice a week. Maybe three times. Bet I could. I bet you that I could even eat Wang's for breakfast. And I love the fact that even if I eat a lot of Wang's, really, I never feel stuffed.

(Sure, these jokes could date back all the way back to the building of the transcontinental railroad.* But you see, I never ever get tired of Wang jokes. Never. That, and fake fart noises. Real ones are banned, for sure, don't even try it. But now, whether you want to or not, you know who I really, really am.)

*Hey. I can make half-jokes about the transcontinental railroad, I have the right. I am 1/16 Newcomen steam engine on my grandmother's side. If it wasn't for middle-class steam engines like my family, there'd have been no industrial revolution. No big factories, no airplanes, nothing but horses and butter churns. And plenty of unburned coal and clean air for everyone. So load that in your bubble pipes and blow.**

** HAHA!! I said "blow."

Friday, July 08, 2005

Happy Friday!

"On a scale from one to ten, how old is Michael's boyfriend?"

"Criticizing these reporters is like booing at the special olympics."

"That was a dude...Michael is innocent but you're a dude!"

It's Triumph at the Michael Jackson trial. Thank you, gorillamask.


Thursday, July 07, 2005

Your Search Results, Answered.

01 Jul, Fri, 11:06:26 Yahoo: facking girls
02 Jul, Sat, 03:33:22 Altavista: pau gasol and dwarf
02 Jul, Sat, 09:55:59 Yahoo: strippers for ladies eyes only
02 Jul, Sat, 11:16:48 Google: FLEXY GIRLS
02 Jul, Sat, 17:04:05 MSN Search: facking
03 Jul, Sun, 01:37:47 Yahoo: facking girls
03 Jul, Sun, 15:50:53 Google: best week
04 Jul, Mon, 11:34:21 Google: tokyoplastic screensaver
04 Jul, Mon, 15:35:29 Google: sugarditch mississippi
05 Jul, Tue, 03:25:32 Yahoo: pictures of poop stained panties
05 Jul, Tue, 08:59:55 Altavista: john wayne gacy
05 Jul, Tue, 17:04:22 Yahoo: girls facking
06 Jul, Wed, 00:26:14 Yahoo: hard contacts gas perms vs. soft contacts
06 Jul, Wed, 05:10:49 Yahoo: pre teen boobs
06 Jul, Wed, 05:49:08 Google: ""
06 Jul, Wed, 09:11:45 Google: larry junior
06 Jul, Wed, 09:13:07 Google: phrases "talk to the hand" "you go girlfriend"
06 Jul, Wed, 11:49:14 Yahoo: c.o.g.i.c. hats
06 Jul, Wed, 15:21:08 Yahoo: miku aquapet
06 Jul, Wed, 16:31:43 Google: nicole richies diet secrets

Congratulations! Your search requests have been successfully received and will be answered in the order in which they were received and by level of importance.

RE: pau gasol and dwarf
Pau Gasol is a professional NBA basketball player measuring 7' tall, therefore anyone positioned next to him would quite possibly resemble some type of hideous fat, impish and easily crushable pinkish dwarf next to this lithe hunk of Spanish manpower. Please try narrowing your search for better results, midget.

RE: strippers for ladies eyes only
Grandma...? Is that you...? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE AT BINGO ON THURSDAYS. Please, change your search to "John 14:15", and don't get funny by *accidentally* slipping an "Elton" in there anywhere. Sheesh.

RE: sugarditch mississippi
Sugarditch, Mississippi no longer exists. It has been magically transformed from the flat, dusty, poverty-striken tract of land it once was into one of the top destination gambling resorts in the world, and is now known as Tunica, Mississippi. Yes, I said "world." Twenty years ago, people in Sugarditch, Nowheresville thought hanging out in the front yard a'countin' lightnin' bugs and sipping warm water from a garden hose was a fine night out on the town, especially on accounta, hell, there was no electricity. But now, thanks to organized crime, they know the key to happiness and the real secret to success: Feeding upon other people's compulsions mixed liberally with watered down Bacardi-flavored beverages and, heya, don't forget the poker chips. Please forget you ever heard the name, Sugarditch, see, or you'll be sleeping with the fishes... the catfishes, capeesh??! Ya wiiiise guyyy...

RE: pre teen boobs
Please try expanding your search to include information on "surviving in jail" and "shanks." Be advised, miskeying the word and searching for "skanks" may yield the desired results, all around, and nobody gets hurt.

RE: pictures of poop stained panties
Please try sharpening your search by substituting the keyword "pictures" with the keywords "image" or "photos." You should also expand your search for information on "R. Kelly," and you may want to check out more handy information by searching "surviving in jail with guys digging on them pre teen boobs."

RE: Larry Junior
Please try sharpening your search to "skanks with shanks." Also, search "doughy ho, coffee on the crapper."

RE: phrases "talk to the hand" "you go girlfriend"
Please try searching for "Oprah" or "hackneyed catch phrases from 1995" or "Will & Grace" even though all three searches will probably yield the same, tired results.

RE: nicole richies diet secrets:
The search ends here. The answer you are looking for is "cocaine and Marlboro Reds." This also applies to Lindsay Lohan diet secrets as well. Hillary Duff is up next to ride the cocaine train, but as for her sister -- appropriately named "No, not Hillary... you know...The Other One" Duff-- she probably will not be shooting the skinny-smack unless she plans on getting a nose job soon. So please try keywords such as -- "nicole who?, coke, blow, snort, white pony, the anorexic and the tanorexic, too much money, too much time, if i can't be the most talented then by God i'll be the skinniest" and also "Paris sucks", or simply bundle the keywords "Nicole Ritchie Lindsay Lohan Hillary Duff diagnosed with osteoporosis" for the most accurate results.

Thank you for all your facking search queries. We hope this information will help make your Internet experience a better, safer and more memorable experience today, tomorrow and the day after that. Always remember to search with your head, and not over it.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

(found art du jour:)

Title: "Boy, sure is ungodly humid here today."
Artist: Unknown, June 06, 2005

Friday, July 01, 2005

Heya, happykreg!

I see youuu.

(happykreg also had the distinct pleasure of knowing Larry Junior, too.)

Ok, who's ready for the 3-day weekend?

Now that I'm not going to the beach of any kind, I'd like to be going to a beach of any kind. I always think of these ideas way too late to do anything about them.

Good story, huh? Well, I'm just taking a break. I think I need some bridge mix. And a margarita. With a swirl of frozen sangria in it. And some sand. White, sugary sand to sit on and complain about it sticking all over places I don't want it to stick until the margarita eventually honed that annoying edge right off my jaded attitude. Then I'd sit on the white, sugary sand and see tiny shells. Shells so tiny you can crush them between your finger and thumb. Then I'd put on my big Mary-Kate (or is it Ashley) sunglasses, black of course, and look out upon the blue ocean like I owned it and wonder what the hell I was ever worried about. Then I'd read my Star magazine and wonder if, since he helped her pick out a 9-carat diamond ring for the premiere of that mr and mrs whatever movie, if Angelina Jolie is pregnant with Brad Pitt's baby, and then wonder who really cares about that garbage. Besides me.

For those of us staying home this weekend, possibly saving the environment one less gassed-up roadtrip at a time, take a little Earth-friendly trip into Carl Sagan-type scienceland, here:

Art of Science

"This spring we asked the Princeton University community to submit imagery produced in the course of research or incorporating tools and concepts from science. The response was overwhelming: more than 200 entries from nearly 100 individuals in 15 departments. We selected 55 of these works to appear in the 2005 Art of Science Exhibition.

"The resulting assembly of images presents a fascinating and beautiful cross section of the arts and sciences at Princeton. It celebrates the aesthetics of research and the ways in which science and art inform each other."