Tuesday, March 08, 2005

"May cause drowsiness or sleeplessness."

How do they get away with that drug warning for antihistamines, I wonder. Someone had to write it.

Writer: "So, like...does it make you sleep or keep you up all night?"

Drug scientist: "Yes."

Writer: "Well? What does that mean?"

Drug scientist: "It means for approximately 1-3 nights, you'll sleep like you're in a Jack Daniel's induced coma state, where you'll wake up dry-mouthed and late for work and wear your pants inside-out for half a day before someone tells you. But after 1-3 days, you'll be poked awake, I'd say about...every 20 minutes so you can watch the clock for a few hours, until very late night becomes very early morning..."

Writer: "And so..."

Drug scientist: "And so then you wonder if you should get up and eat all the Robin's Egg Malted Milk balls. You know, the ones you bought *for Easter*. Then you'll think of many random thoughts. Such as:

a.) 'How did the whole concept of Easter featuring a bunny come into play?'
b.) 'Is he a religious bunny? Did Santa train him in the art of delivering all those eggs, in one dark night, and worldwide?'
c.) 'What is that horrible metallic taste in my mouth?'
d.) 'Is that the dog snoring peacefully, or is someone trying to break into this house with a saw?'
e.) 'Easter. Where Jesus pops his head out and, if he sees his shadow, there's 6 more weeks of winter to go...'

...That thought, however funny it may seem at the time, is usually accompanied by a strong sensation of guilt."

Writer: "So...instead of saying 'It is the best of drugs, it is the worst of drugs' -- "

Drug scientist: "Hoo boy, Judy Blume, that stinks already! (Snort!)"

Writer: "Hmm." (while wondering in his head, which is really better -- monster.com or careerbuilder.com) "So instead of saying 'Enjoy the Russian roulette. We hope the chamber is not loaded, blah blahh, not really our problem'--"

Drug scientist: "Are we going to be here all day? I need to go test this new nicotine lipgloss on a blinded, shaved rabbit."

Writer: "Ok, (chanting 'please forgive me' in his head, over and over to make the moment pass easier) 'May cause drowsiness or sleeplessness.' Can I at least mention the Robin's Eggs Malted Milk Ball thing as a suggestion?"

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