Thursday, March 27, 2003

Another thing I've learned.

Re-writing bad ad copy is a lot like this:

designer: did you (ever get that info on the rewrite)?
monkie: yeah
monkie: i'll pass those through the ole colon soon
designer: ok
monkie: i don't wanna touch them anymore, they make me ill
designer: i understand
designer: i might be able to help you out with them tomorrow. have to get some stuff out this afternoon or tomorrow morning
monkie: i just need to do 'em. i just hate them so much now that it's like picking up dogcrap in the yard. the longer i wait, the less trouble it is to do. great analogy huh?
designer: very fitting

More things I've learned to save you time and money. And probably embarrassment, who knows.

Know your blood type. (type O+)

Know your ring size. (size 5)

Not only does this mean you now have free reign to buy me as many rings as you want, it also means that even though I'm a universal donor you might not want my blood. Because somewhere in between those red and white blood cells lies something ignorant that will not know my ring size but will order on a guesstimate anyway. This something also makes me fifteen minutes late wherever I go. That's not so bad, but spending about thirty extra bucks in back-and-forth shipping and handling is just plain stupid. But hey, with all the assorted nuts who've fallen out of my family tree so far, genetically speaking, ignorance may be the smallest problem I have floating around in there.

Note to self: throw chlorine in gene pool.

Getting married and thinking about changing your last name is just odd. Guys don't care, it doesn't apply directly, I understand that. Even though I like my last name, I think it's unique, no one seems to get it. My name has rarely ever been spelled or pronounced correctly as far back as I can remember. For awhile, I kept every misspelling that arrived in my In Box at work.






Miss Beth Annie Leagan, Jr. was my all time favorite one.

Common mispronunciations include (but are not limited to) Lincoln, La Gan, Leggin, Leggun, and La Gun (which I actually like a lot).

I've always been envious of anyone who could just blurt out "Bob Jenkins" or "Edna Whitehurst" and be done with it. Ted Bundy. Jennifer Lopez. Tori Spelling. Sure you know 'em, but even if you didn't, they wouldn't have to spell it out.

"Yes, I'd like one ButtBombinator 2003 exercise toy sent to Tori Spelling*..."

*I'd like to use Natalie Maines in that last statement, but she probably had to spell her name out a lot, too.

"Yeah, three large pepperoni pizzas to Nattie Maines with an 'e'."**

** Like they need to know how to spell her name to deliver a pizza. As if, Natalie. Three points for me.

"Bond, James Bond" throws me. Although I know he did that for impact, once I tried that one out and received a stare so blank I thought I heard a test pattern sound-off.

Charles Manson. Robert Blake. O.J. Simpson... Why do I keep using murderers for examples. I have to stop that. It's that damned "something" I mentioned earlier.

Tina Turner. Audrey Hepburn. Richard Burton. Elton John. Big Bird.

Me? I have the longest surname without the pleasure of being European. It's all just phonetics:

"uh huh, right, it's 'Leeeegann Elli-Gee-Yoo-En Leegan'..."

So let's say I change my name to Ron's last name. I would miss the quirked mispellings. But here's the best part about the process: Instantly, I become the newest member of the witness protection program. At least for a moment in time, I would become invisible to the junk mailers, disappearing without much trace to the handful of bi-polar, manic, ex-college roommates. And to those nutball family members who insist on ruining everybody's day (or really late night, preferably around holidays) with a drunken phone call. Would changing my last name give me the hope of a shiny new freak-free life and future?

I think I've answered my own question.

It's gonna be so nice to sleep late around the holidays again.

Wednesday, March 26, 2003

I've learned a lot of things.

Don't ever go to the grocery store hungry.

Washing a car is more effective than a raindance.

There's a difference between an alcoholic and a drunk.

Catfights are as equally funny as they are disturbing to witness.

Green tea can be either really good or really bad with no in-between.

Pizza is always good. Even the worst pizza has some redeeming quality.

Most everyone wants white teeth instead of natural, bone-colored teeth.

Never send anything Media Mail.

The word "laughter" is "slaughter" without the "s".

You should always keep a list of adjectives handy on a sticky note for those times when someone at work has really pissed you off. Adjectives to describe them (or parts of them) such as gritty, oily, weather-beaten, ragged, cheesy, moldy, waxy, mildewed, tattered, garlicky, half-eaten, threadbare, moth-eaten, rug-burned, chafed, stretched-out, raw, grass-stained, crusty, discolored, warty, corn-holed, absessed, leathery, infected, whithered.

The urgency of urination increases after the second coat of nail polish has been applied perfectly.

If I'd have spent my teenage years with an internet connection, I would've ended up in a lot of trouble and quite possibly abandoned at a truckstop in the middle of nowhere.

People can be the biggest bastards, and people can be the biggest inspirations.

The war has redefined the term "reality television" for the masses. But the joke is still on them, over their heads, and soon to be forgotten.

My life would be a little better if only I had a Mini Cooper.

My life is really, exceptionally good right now, despite the tumors I have yet to find.

David Sedaris is one of the best American writers of all time.

I want to work and live on the internet somehow.

I waste a lot of time wondering what I'm supposed to be instead of just being it.

Some people thrill themselves at casinos. I thrill myself with Kroger Double-Coupons.

Actually getting ready for bed instead of passing out on the couch is one of the most satisfying things you can do besides taking hot, epsom salt baths with a Budget Living, Self or Real Simple magazine.

I wish for a lot of things, and then it just ends right there, until the guilt comes along again.

There is never enough time to read or go to Europe; do both as much as possible.

Reading is rarely if ever a waste of time.

Tuesday, March 25, 2003

What exactly is Media Mail?

All I know for certain is this: If anyone ever asks if they can send you something by media mail, suggest they just throw your item in the garbage can instead. At least you'll know exactly where it is and isn't.

Two out of three things that I've had sent to me by media mail are lost in time and space. A universal shrug. Jimmy Hoffa is reading my "Cold Comfort Farm" book and listening to my Monty Python Contractual Obligation album right now.

Word for the day: clobber.

clob·ber    ( P )  Pronunciation Key  (klbr)
tr.v. Slang clob·bered, clob·ber·ing, clob·bers

1. To strike violently and repeatedly; batter or maul.
2. To defeat decisively.
3. To criticize harshly.

Clobbered, clobberhead, clobby-shoes. I live for words like clobber. Not quite the onomatopoeia, but good enough for me (-ia).

Look at me not talking about the war. Or the stock market gone all flaccid. Not me, no.

I am bored though today. That brand of boredom that makes you feel itchy from the inside out. Like someone is pinning you to the floor with a great big bag of wet cement. Rapidly drying wet cement.

Even if I had the day off, I wouldn't even know what to do with it.

There's nothing to report here except that the landlawd done changed out all the carpet in the fo-yay, by the elevatruhs. It looks stunning. Almost like I work somewhere else. But I don't.

I'm so bored that my body is getting physically stressed. Something around the back of my head is poking at me. A dull, constant poke in the back of my head. I'm so bored that my adrenaline is kicking in. Next stop: nosebleed.

Bored bored bored bored bored. Clobberhead bored.

But hey, I'm getting married really, really soon. That is the hyper-opposite of boring. I'd countdown the days, but if I did that here, my sister my not be able to resist the urge to purge on me. So I'll just say, I have less time now to wait for it than I did when I first started this sentence.

I have to go walk off some boredom now. After reading this entry, you too may have to walk off some yourself.

Sorry about that. Clobber clobber clobber.

Wednesday, March 19, 2003

Make Mine a Double:

Moderate Drinking Cuts Risk of Dementia - Study

Mar 18 2003 4:04PM
CHICAGO (Reuters)
- Elderly people who drink moderately are less likely to suffer dementia than teetotalers, though seniors who drink too much add to their risk, researchers said on Tuesday.

Seeking to explain their findings, the researchers said consuming moderate amounts of alcohol prevents hardening of the arteries that leads to damaging strokes, lessens the risk of brain lesions and helps blood vessels to function.

Better blood flow generally lessens the risks of vascular-related dementia, usually caused by strokes.

The study of 373 dementia patients older than 65 and a like number of control subjects revealed that the lowest rates of dementia were among subjects who drank between one and six alcoholic drinks a week, who had half the risk of teetotalers.

People who abstained from alcohol and those who consumed between seven and 13 drinks a week were at about equal risk of developing dementia, while those who drank more than 13 drinks a week had a significant 22 percent higher risk.

Men who drank heavily, as opposed to women, were particularly susceptible and were at double the risk of developing dementia. People who had a genetic predisposition to Alzheimer's disease and who drank heavily were at triple the risk, the study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association said.

But study author Kenneth Mukamal of Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston issued a cautionary note about drawing conclusions.

"Given the observational nature of our study, we cannot recommend that older adults begin drinking moderately on the basis of these findings alone. Older adults should discuss their alcohol use with their physicians and make appropriate decisions based on these discussions."

03/18/03 16:02 ET

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

A Fine Kettle of Cookies, Eh?

I knew I should've never watched the movie Office Space. For one reason, the whole thing is very authentic. I've been forced into being three or four of those characters within the last 11 years working in this field (of dead baby kittens). Maybe five, counting the redneck who lived next door to the lead character, "Peterm'n, watch yer cornhole" guy. Which I'm still not sure if his name was Peter or Peterman since I missed the first 15 minutes and also have a thinking disorder. Oh wait, I remember... who cares.

Anyway, I have completely forgotten about what I was gonna gripe about...

It may have involved prison references.

Oh wait no, it may have involved AOL and how they are SOB's. Apparently once a person closes an account with AOL, one can't use a five-year-old instant message name anymore. Even though it's been functional for about four months after the aforementioned cancellation. So now in lieu of consistency, flying in the face of a once-named Labmonkie is now the archnemesis known as OreoBCookiefoot. It's a long story, but at least it works. But whatever. As Ron says: "They shall be the first to enter the Re-Education Camps when I start runnin' things, huuu-ha-haaaaaaaaaaa."

Ah who cares. I'm going to the Grizzlies game tonight. And they beat New York last night. And they have hot wings at the arena. And there's not much more to care about after that. It's Dollar Night meaning that po'corn, peanurtz and dranks are one American dollar apiece. Which is great because that means I could actually go to a game (free tickets because we wore Hawaiian shirts last time) and get out of that place spending less than five bucks.

But I really want two beers and some hot wings. Hmmmm. If I have learned nothing from this economy except how to stretch a buck tight enough to sustain an atomic chain reaction, then I have learned nothing of any importance.

Plan A: Go to game, get diet drink, popcorn and peanuts = 3 bucks
Plan B: Go to game, get diet drink and (Ron came up with this one) wait for the inexperienced hot wing purchaser, offer to pay them 2 bucks for the wings they are on the verge of throwing away because they are Hell-Hath-No-Fury hot, but ONLY if he/she agrees to not touch the food anywhere else upon the offer. = 3 bucks

You see why we're getting married? He's perfect.

Mmmmmmm... recessionnn.

Oh that's one more thing I need to start talking about: The Ultimate Niagara Falls Wedding, which is coming soon... Countdown to Canada...

Aw hell yeah.

Monday, March 10, 2003

Today's Good News After All.

Hats (or lampshades ) off to any scientific studies supporting more wine, more sleep, and more-or-less an attempt at weight loss.

Cardiovascular Health

People who consume between five and seven alcohol-containing
drinks a week have lower levels of inflammation-related compound
in their blood than those who consume little or no alcohol, a new
study suggests.

Insomnia & Sleep Disorders

People who tend to clock an average of five hours or less or at
least nine hours of sleep each night may have a slightly higher
risk of developing diabetes, new research suggests.

Weight Loss

Overweight and obese people who try to lose weight may live
longer than people who do not try to shed excess pounds,
according to a new study, which also found that people who tried
but failed to trim down were less likely to die than those who
made no attempt.