Wednesday, May 31, 2006

"Say, Mortimer, do these shoes go with my lipstick?"

Why certainly, my little chickadee...'s about you'n'me get a bit of spiced rum in ya,
and take 'er for a spin by the light of the moon.


Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Thank you for the recommendation, Daniel.

Twenties, eh? Sounds worth it to me.

Does it come with a stripper pole,
or do I improvise with a column on the front porch?
Fortunately, the neighbors don't speak to me as it is.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Digging through the drafts,
here's a neato-cool one I forgot to post...
throwies if you haven't seen them.
Or even if you have, there they are again.

Feel the love.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Truly, it was just a matter of time.

It's iBuzz, the music-activated orgasm machine.

Brought to you by the makers of iPenicillin.

Kids, I've said it before, I'll say it again:
No matter how tempting it seems,
treat your iBuzz like Chapstick and hairbrushes --
get your own, and share nothing more than the music.
You'll thank me later. No handshakes, though.
A nod across the room will do just fine.


Friday, May 26, 2006

"It was just tight," Gasol said of the suit.
"It's supposed to be very tight to your body
to (simulate) motion without clothes. It was a little uncomfortable.
When you're moving and sweating, it's hot."

He's just a boy. He doesn't know what he's saying.
Otherwise he might have to charge by the minute.

Pau, Pau, Pau...

Which reminds me,

the night after the Grizzlies were eliminated from the playoffs,
I was out drinking at Flying Saucer. Coincidentally and innocently.
Trivia night and all, y'know.
And on the way home as we walked by the patio of Swig,
I was blinded by two enormous, white hams.
Some blonde giant with glowing red lips and powerfully bullish features
was stretching lazily backward with his skull-crushing hands
behind his head, his biceps testing the tensile strength
of his short-sleeved polo shirt, maroon if you need to know.
Naturally, I didn't notice it was Jake Sackadoorknobs*
until I passed him so then I just had to walk back
with Susan and pretend to
*find my dime...the dime that I lost...on the ground...right here...*
Just making sure it was him. It was.

And all I could think of (besides wondering whatever happened
to the Polish player they traded, and how he scraped the ceiling
when he crashed past me in the market, no doubt
searching for something as everyday as "2 sticks of butter")
was not his late-season performance,
or those massive, blinding cannons
which never impressed me unless used for sideshow purposes.
I was just bonded to a giant stranger in an instant,
knowing that we were doing the same thing with a night off:
drinking a stiff one. Maybe two.
Millions of dollars, fame, God-given talent, and glory separate us.
But give us both an
Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Martini,
and we're old friends.

*Respectfully, it's Tsakalidis. I call him that not because
I'm taking hateful swings at his name,
just exercising good use
of my nicknaming skills
handed down to me through
the generations of Haplo H's. We do all roll like that.


"It was a fun experience," Gasol said,
"and something I'll always remember."

Pau, honestly, you're killing me.

"Hello, my future girlfriend."

Hats off, young man.
Please spread the love for this future boyfriend.

(courtesy of matthew, warner, and Satan)

And a new Flickr set from toy camera, why not. So.

"Thanks for stop-ping byyyy."*

*shivering, minus soul.

Also, shivering minus soul, Ron says,
That's creepy. 20 years from now,
they'll find his future girlfriend in
the freezer."

Nice one! Someone else for me to sit by in Hell besides Hitler
(he's so "me-me-me" chatty Cathy all the time).

Thursday, May 25, 2006

ADDENDUM to last post:
what I meant to say...


And that would be the one, the only,
The Angry Czeck.

Truly, I apologize to your angered pagan gods by
not listing you in the last post of HOT LINKS.

But let's be honest.
Doesn't everyone just assume you to be
The Alpha-Omega Ruthless Village Plundering
Number One HOT LINK?

That's what I thought, too.

Good news, because either you care or are being held captive
by the mob and forced into reading this as torture,
I'm in Haplogroup H:

According to my yummy mouth-swabbings
and the Genographic Project,
where did my fuzzy ancestors originate?

First off, they began with everyone's mom,
the Mitochondrial Eve way down in Africa 150,000 years ago.
Then they migrated up to Asia, got cold and moved.

Even though that sounds familiar,
I suspect migration by excommunication.

They did the classic move, my favorite,
"Eh... you guys go ahead, we're going back to the beach.
We'll catch up with you, yeah, we'll write. No, really."

So they hit the road for *warmer climates*
and spread far and wide to the likes of:
Saudi Arabia
the Czech Republic.

Ok. Sounds right to me.
They say a large percentage of the Haplo H types
were found to trace back and originate in Asia.

That accounts for at least seven of the
personality struggles living deep within me.

The rest are past lives.
I may have to start charging them rent.
In that case:
I'm rich, I tell you, rich.


Haplogroup H: Your Branch on the Tree

Ancestral line: "Eve" > L1/L0 > L2 > L3 > N > R > pre-HV > HV > H

This wave of migration into western Europe marked the appearance and spread of what archaeologists call the Aurignacian culture. The culture is distinguished by significant innovations in methods of manufacturing tools, standardization of tools, and use of a broader set of tool types, such as end-scrapers for preparing animal skins and tools for woodworking.

Around 15,000 to 20,000 years ago, colder temperatures and a drier global climate locked much of the world's fresh water at the polar ice caps, making living conditions near impossible for much of the northern hemisphere. Early Europeans retreated to the warmer climates of the Iberian Peninsula, Italy, and the Balkans, where they waited out the cold spell. Their population sizes were drastically reduced, and much of the genetic diversity that had previously existed in Europe was lost.

Beginning about 15,000 years ago—after the ice sheets had begun their retreat—humans moved north again and recolonized western Europe. By far the most frequent mitochondrial lineage carried by these expanding groups was haplogroup H. Because of the population growth that quickly followed this expansion, your haplogroup now dominates the European female landscape.

Today haplogroup H comprises 40 to 60 percent of the gene pool of most European populations. In Rome and Athens, for example, the frequency of H is around 40 percent of the entire population, and it exhibits similar frequencies throughout western Europe. Moving eastward the frequencies of H gradually decreases, clearly illustrating the migratory path these settlers followed as they left the Iberian Peninsula after the ice sheets had receded. Haplogroup H is found at around 25 percent in Turkey and around 20 percent in the Caucasus Mountains.

While haplogroup H is considered the Western European lineage due to its high frequency there, it is also found much further east. Today it comprises around 20 percent of southwest Asian lineages, about 15 percent of people living in Central Asia, and around five percent
in northern Asia.

Importantly, the age of haplogroup H lineages differs quite substantially between those seen in the West compared with those found in the East. In Europe its age is estimated at 10,000 to 15,000 years old, and while H made it into Europe substantially earlier (30,000 years ago), reduced population sizes resulting from the glacial maximum significantly reduced its diversity there, and thus its estimated age. In Central and East Asia, however, its age is estimated at around 30,000 years old, meaning your lineage made it into those areas during some of the earlier migrations
out of the Near East.

Haplogroup H is a great example of the effect that population dynamics such as bottleneck events, founder effect, genetic drift, and rapid population growth, have on the genetic diversity of resulting populations.


Who is this guy? He is teaching me Flash.
What does this mean to you?
It means:
Be concerned with me
and my mad tool-fashioning Flash-building wrath
and my silky, prehensile tail.
And it means
that if you read all the way down to this point,
I have such intense feelings for you
that you'll never comprehend them in one lifetime.
You are the chosen one.
Our mothership awaits.

Either that, or you are just really bored.

Either way, I thank you.

Now bring me some wine and cheese.
And Beck.
The beer or the musician. Both are good.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

For your pleasure:

The following was lifted word-for-word from email update.
Ooooo. Enjoyyyyy.
(Designers Mixtape, especially)


The Designers Mixtape
The designers mixtape invited designers all over the world
to share their musical taste, resulting in a collection of inspiring
playlists and quotes from international designers.

Archrival is a youth branding agency that helps
brands attract young consumers.

Design Dump
Great resource for graphic designers: conference listings,
books, design magazines, articles and much more.

Fashion Trendsetter
Fashion Trendsetter is an online fashion trend forecasting,
color reporting and news e-zine. It also includes up-to-date
fashion information from the major trade fairs.

FiveStone is a fantasy wonderland full of
fresh designs and small barnyard animals.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Good news!

I just saved a lot of money on my car insurance.

I'm sorry, that was stupid. Stupider than the usual stupid.
Remember, I'm just a generic product of my environment.
Thanks for reading on.

No, really. It's progress in the form of DNA, analyzed.
Well, I'm excited. Only two more sub-steps to go until I find out
exactly what the hell my problem is, based on my genetic migratory path. I'm fairly certain my hairy predecessors took a wrong left turn somewhere extremely important in the beginning, inadvertantly pissed off a bunch of Huns at some point, and kept following that falling star that seemed far away and way up high until it burned out in the atmosphere right before their very eyes. Sounds about right to me. Isn't that just beautiful?

I feel like I should make a list of things I've liked my entire life
for no known reason. I'd make a list of things I hate,
but really, do you have that kind of time?

Speaking of things I love: how about we rename this blog
"Why I Love Stephen Colbert"
and dedicate all posts to him based upon this dance sequence alone...

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Don't just live it. Own the t-shirt as well.

Back by popular demand: My reason for living.
Being sorted and stamped like eggs in a carton.

Enjoy, citizen.

But do it on your own time.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Two or three new Flickr sets around town, why not.


Another cool link that makes me want to change careers:
(scroll down for) solar-powered robot bugs

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Thank you, Stephen Colbert.


A cool link that makes me want to change careers: robots


still: nada

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

The only 3 reasons I keep my cable subscription.

1, 2, and 3.

If They have Stephen killed, my gutt-jihad is on.

I love, love, and love Stephen Colbert.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Continuing on the subject of DNA,
anyone interested in a swapmeet?

Basically, she called her boyfriend an idiot when he said
that people are so bored, he bet
could make a website that could clock 2 million hits.
She said if he could, then she'd involve herself in a menage a trois.

Aw. Her parents must be so proud.
So I believe it's our civic duty as good internet citizens
to pass this link and invariably the girl around.

Note: They are currently accepting offers for that third person
to complete the love triangle.
No, with gas up to a mere $3.00 a gallon
and no real solution in sight except for
another Presidential election, I bet I'll be busy
working in a convent making rosaries or hosing out elephant
cages at the zoo, tidying up before the Apocolypse, you know.
So it's up to some other good internet citizen.
Make it happen, people!