Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Ok, I admit it this time. I am dead.

In the past 13 days, I've died and gone to Hell; again; scratched and clawed to grab something that doesn't tumble; tried not to fall asleep in the bathtub; ripped out my shiny pink glossy nails dragging myself out of a filthy quagmire of confusion and frustration, hardly any of it mine; saw the same film clips again and again; shook a jar of murk and watched it settle; made my way into, through, and out of the bowels of Purgatory (well, ok so maybe I'll never make my way through and out of the bowels of Purgatory as long as I am alive this go; but at least from here I can see prisms of shining lifebeams shooting through the stinking rotted sails of a sad, war-torn ship):

Beam number one one and number two, three thumbnails over and three down.

Oh, and I had some sushi. It was very good.

By the way, can you feel someone looking at you? I can see you through the keyhole. Been traveling around, too. Guess where I went first. Yeah, you know me. Paris. I know they hate me there, but those big, round, soft sugarcookies dipped in dark chocolate and dunked in red wine are worth the looks and sneers.

And don't forget, I invite you to join the masses.

Stop by the "i am middle-class" onlineshop anytime, and fly your middle-class flag high and proud with me and the rest of the workaday world that keeps the bigwigs on-the-go in their expensive status symbol cars, dreaming of that next big browlift and a bottle of Viagra. This store was designed exclusively for you, for me, and all those other poor bastards who can't read Dilbert without thinking it's the horoscope for the day.

Unlike the gaudy, excessively-priced trendy tees offered at Neiman-Marcus for those Upper-Class Wannabees with zero taste fueled by a steaming heap of disposable income, the markup on these babies are truly-bare-minimal, a dollar here and there, only for the cause and to offset any middle-class costs of light imported beer and eco-friendly boxed cabernet.

While not guaranteed, these products should not make your butt look big. They might even diminish the appearance of tiny lines and wrinkles. And for tough stains, try the sweat of a freshly-squeezed middle-class worker. Kills bugs dead. Just do it.

Yours truly,

Your fellow Honda-driving consumer by design - La B. Monkie (made in China)

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Pixelly Things I've Found and Love:

Cursor Miner: He comforts me when people get pissed at me for drawing in my meeting notes.

William Shatner's version of "Rocketman": Makes me grateful that I never did LSD, although I'm sure I've embarrassed myself just as much without the smack.

South Park Studio: I wonder if anyone told these people to stop drawing on their meeting notes?

Free fonts: That's always good.

Google Satellite Maps: I can't stop looking at these things.

This is where I work. See the little red arrow? Can you see me waving?

This is where I live. Well, ok, so it's not bare dirt anymore, it's a house, with a Yarden. One of those middle-class houses, no doubt. And that's a...bad thing? Ohhhmmmmmmm dontgetmestarted ohhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

And here is the Pyramid, down by the Hernando DeSoto (Mississippi River) Bridge. This is the reason I am convinced that everyone here is dying from allergies. The Curse: It's because they defiled an ancient Egyptian symbol of all that is good to them, you know, that sort of thing, by having Dixie Chicks concerts in it.

If anybody gets bored, send me a screenshot of where you live. I live for that kind of thing. If I can just remember to check email. I will (scribbling note to remember on mtg notes), I will. And also, I live for pink and white cupcakes, and wine. Any kind. And sushi. And my middle-class whirlpool bathtub. Back later. See, look, I'm wavin' atcha!

Friday, May 06, 2005

Things I'm getting completely immune to:

Besides oil, gas and this whole Iraqy thing...

(5) this crazy woman

(4) this crazy woman

(3) this crazy woman's registry

(2) these crazy women*

(1) people finding fingers in food

"...Fizer, who accidentally stuck his hand in a mixing machine and had his right index finger lopped off at the first knuckle..." Yes. "Don't stop the machines, just suck it up and work through it, Fizer. You already had your smoke break today."

Remember, I am just a gnarled product of my environment. Time for some peanuts and milk and antibiotics. And if I find a finger in any one of those, so help me God, I will cash in big money this time, and you're personally invited to my middle-class beer bash. Until, as Ron points out (no pun intended), the severed finger's former owner sues the blazing crap out of me for keeping his finger and suing him in the first place.

One day, I'm smuggling myself into Canada and taking a big supply of books I've always meant to read.

*Nothing says "blessed love" like a newlywed couple's matching Jay Leno chin implants. Damn. I may cry now.

And finally, you know my love for Search Engine Queries:

30 Apr, Sat, 23:54:57 Yahoo: does diet mt dew cause cancer?

01 May, Sun, 20:46:14 Google: mike miller + moustache + basketball

02 May, Mon, 19:52:27 Google: "bonzi can be an ass"

05 May, Thu, 13:59:22 Google: Females Crapping

I bet that last search query had something to do with "The Twelve Days of Christmas."

And to that one curious person recently searching for girls having organisms, well, I've thought about you a lot and, well, I guess this picture will just have to do for now:

(swiped from gofugyourself)

Thursday, May 05, 2005

So let's see, what's sorta like news:

Last Sunday, Ron felt an earthquake in nearby Arkansas, but I slept right through it. Last time one rattled the house, I was in the shower and thought "Damn. Low-flying FedEx plane. Again."

I bought two pairs of cropped pants, but I'm not convinced they aren't just highwaters. Maybe I need a smaller size. These should come with a rope belt and a donkey.

We now have two available openings if anyone knows a good interactive creative director. Dammit. And a Communications & Business Analyst. Whatever that means.

Jason Williams is a faux-thuggy white guy, but maybe I am just expecting too much from what little braincells he may have remaining from college. I wish I could find a picture of him with his oversized cap tilted sideways. It's the kind of tilt that makes you wanna slap it off.

Dave Chappelle must be out of ideas. That's a hell of a note.

Memphis is rated one of the Top 3 Most Allergic Cities, Ever in the Whole World, Period. Well how long have I told ya that? Poor Elvis. Think it's all the FedEx planes launching outta here 24 hours a day? I'm just sayin'. I like overnight delivery like the next person, but this tumor in my brain is killing me.

I sniped a Donvier yogurt maker on eBay. I bet I use it twice. I'll let you know.

I think a little tiny frustrated French girl lives inside me. That explains the wine smell.*

We're taking a roadtrip to to St. Louis this weekend, staying in a big, round, pasteurized cheeseball hotel, exterior featured here in the Photo Tour.


*Note: La Vieille Ferme is my new favorite afforably-good French wine. L'essayer vous l'aimerez. Aussi, mon patron est une chienne parce qu'elle a appelĂ© le personnel « bourgeois ». Oh oui, elle a fait. Pouvez-vous croire cela ?

Sunday, May 01, 2005

How many times can I say "I love referral tracking requests."

Not that I had to, and not like they don't all have their own merits, but I highlighted my favorites in red. Enjoy.

26 Apr, Tue, 01:08:45 Google: bentou workplace

26 Apr, Tue, 09:22:33 Google: Today's Aphorism

26 Apr, Tue, 11:21:52 Google: Frigidaire AND beeping

26 Apr, Tue, 13:12:43 Google: naked cowgirl in chaps photo

26 Apr, Tue, 17:07:54 Google: red bull vs. amp vs. adrenaline rush forum

26 Apr, Tue, 17:40:13 Google: "fattened child"

27 Apr, Wed, 10:03:24 MSN Search: candycandycandy

28 Apr, Thu, 13:09:37 Yahoo: star magazine online

28 Apr, Thu, 15:07:32 Google: canyoneros

28 Apr, Thu, 22:45:09 Yahoo: chattanooga boobs

29 Apr, Fri, 02:54:05 Yahoo: Natalie blood type O

29 Apr, Fri, 09:12:49 Google: girls having organisms

29 Apr, Fri, 10:53:54 Yahoo: teen swimsuit petit

29 Apr, Fri, 15:25:17 Yahoo: bjork hairdo pictures

29 Apr, Fri, 15:48:06 Google: zefrank

29 Apr, Fri, 16:31:48 Google: burger king is un-fresh

Sorry to disappoint that person looking for girls having organisms. Better luck next time.