Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Today's aphorism, and another useless tagline from the past.

"Nothing will make you forget what you were saying quicker than seeing a three-legged dog."


"Strong enough for a man yet made for a woman."

Adkins Diet? South Beach Diet? The Anna Nicole Cocaine, Elephant Sedatives and TrimSpa Diet? It's really tough to choose the right diet plan these days. Lo carb or no carb, I've got another one just for you. It's called the X-Ray Diet.

First we'll start with an x-ray of your abdomen and show you exactly where all those cheese-topped bacon and porkskin sandwiches (no bread, please) are residing in your colon. Then you get to keep the x-ray and hang it on your fridge. If you still want to eat anything solid after that, aww go on, treat yourself. You're possibly a lost cause and therefore, go onnnnnn, you can have it. Just say no to drugs and bread.

I saw the inside of my insides today via x-ray technology. And let me tell you, it's hard to talk straight with a doctor when you're both basking in the glow of your bra underwires on an x-ray. I tried not to laugh, and grabbed my mouth instead, as if I were truly engulfed in my own bag of entrails. "Mmm hmmmm...Is that a tumor? Is that broccoli? Is this comparison why I will never be able to look at broccoli again? Is that a tumor? Is that thing swollen? It's not a swollen tumor, is it?"

At that point, I wish I'd had a bullet lodged somewhere in my ribcage just to shift the focus away from any details.

It all went better than expected since I always expect to be told I had eaten five pounds of nickels, dimes, buttons and needles in my sleep. That would have been true entertainment. But no. So as I was leaving, feeling compelled as always to say something witty at the end of each departure (do I have to tell you it usually comes out useless), I pulled the door closed behind me and said to the my doctor as he was pulling down my x-rays in the hall, "Thanks again. X-rays are neat."

Then I get that familiar look and smile. I think it's called pity.

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