Friday, January 09, 2004

Beebs picked the wrong day to miss work.

If you're reading, Beebs, well, there are some kittens down below us dressed in skintight leopard print 'tards. With fake fur, tails and ears. And high heeled wedgies. Right there in front of Smooth Moves where they have the "fresh sqeezed (sic) orange juice", Beebs. Beebs, you're missing it: Girls dressed as kittens with tight bodysuits crawling up their unmentionables, or is it their unspeakables, right there on the sidewalk below. That blonde one in the center is out there, Beebs. You oughta see her butt from here, Beebs.

You see, fur is wrong, Beebs. But buying fake tails, ears and bodysuits made by Chinese children working in sweatshops for a mere ten beatings a day is O.K.*

I'm just sayin'. You missed the wrong day to stay home and watch Springer, Beebs.

*I can't really say anything, except Thank You, China. If it weren't for you, I'd have to make my own clothes. And shoes. And PDAs. And Levi's. And everything. Except furs because furs do suck, unless you are an Eskimo. Because it's really cold there. Just lay off the kids... ok, China?**

**Another sweeping generalization brought to you by Labmonkie, the Generic Product of Her Own Enviroment, made in the US of A. Available in handy 8- and 16-oz. sizes, only at Wal-Mart. Please recycle.

"An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth..."

Just see that you don't accidentally shoot someone's out with a ricochet paintball. You won't go to h-e-double hockey sticks IF you are hanging out with Team Fireproof Christian paintballers as they practice on a course in Toledo, Ohio. Despite skeptics (and normal people who don't shoot each other to make a point), the players are convinced that paintball is a unique opportunity to spread the Gospel. There are 86 members of the Ohio chapter of the Christian Paintball Players Association.

Part of me says if you have to shoot each other to spread the Word, you may want to check into Buddhism.

But the other part of me, the suppressed side that violently rages when woken like a sleeping giant says that maybe I can be member Number 87. Yes. And that side of me sees it very clearly...indeed. And lo, I can slowly take the flock down, one-by-one, to me and only me, Number One, The Favorite Daughter, God's Lil Sharp-Shooter, straight to heaven...

Sorry. Must be the new vitamins kicking in today.

Well, they are chocked full of Dong Quai, whatever that is. It's not the luxurious hairdo. My hairdryer broke and now I have a medium-sized afro. Someone suggested that maybe I "oughtta try brushing it". Then I said "Yes, and then maybe we could all shock each other around the office all day with the static electricity." Yes, Beebs, you really picked the wrong day to stay home (with a) sick('s pack).