Not dead yet.

I did take pictures at the Fair, but not of the scary people with bad hairdos. Like the grandma moonshiner whose hairdo (a Kentucky Waterfall Mullet, of course) was Kiwi shoepolish jet-black down the back with the crown of her 'do stark white. She looked like she was wearing a skunk-skin cap. But she scared me, and I know my limitations: Do not provoke a seasoned cast-iron mountain woman who sounds like a banjo when she talks.

So, no pictures of skunky hairdos. But you get the picture. And if you don't, consider yourself very fortunate. Even though I wouldn't mind dropping a few pounds quickly, I don't know if my insurance covers having my jaw wired back on after a physical attack. It certainly was a fashion show on the days I went. I would've liked to take some pics of that, too. But again, I didn't feel like getting attacked by anyone. So I stuck mostly with snapping inanimate objects and goats and others animals I will never eat again because they are so damned cute. If only I had that USB cable, but no. You'd think it was a gold brick at Fort Knox around here, hidden away behind a locked door and a locked cabinet. Well. Tomorrow I'll forget to bring mine again. But I hope I don't because I have a new Meeting Doodle I'm all happy about.


Speaking of Not Dead Yet, I completely forgot.

It's Day Eight now, and The Nutter Woman Who Told the Innocent Woman to Fuck Off is still a no-show. Yep, we have not seen this woman since the Unfortunate Incident. Well, why should we. We have direct deposit. Awe-inspiring.

My favorite part of the whole matter is reading the sign-in sheet every morning, just to see what excuse the Nutter Woman has called in for the day. There it is waiting, just a simple notation by her name. Last week, it was a couple of doctor's appointments. Boring. Then around Wednesday or Thursday, my favorite notation was just two big question marks by her name. Remarkable.

I know I said I'd wait til Nutter was sacked to tell this one, but I can't. It's too funny, and it's obvious she is never getting sacked. I'll get sacked before her for commenting on her not getting sacked. But anyway, my all-time favorite call-in excuse for Nutty's absence was... if I could have a moment of silence please... a parasite. Yes, ladies and gentleman, a parasite that she got from a third-trimester pregnant girl who works at the zoo. Brilliant.

It makes you so sick that you can't even use a cellphone. But unless I'm reading it wrong, you have to eat infected feces. I don't know about you, but I'd much rather show up for work than have anyone think I had accidentally ingested giant panda poop. Well, let that be a lesson to all Nutters in training: Kill-off your aged relatives sparingly, or you'll have to resort to beaver doody diseases or some type of congo fever.

I swear I do have compassion. But I save it for real situations.





What is Diet Pepsi Vanilla?

Thanks for asking, my man, Chip. Daddyhood (Congrats to you and M and Peanut!) has made you middle-aged psychic man as I just sampled one of these yesterday and thought it needed a review before anyone got hurt.

Ok, I know you're a gamblin' man. But here's my tip: Bet your 60¢ on something other than this drink. Unless you know someone who likes the taste of a flat Diet Coke Icee that got hot in a car sweltering in the summer sun, and that misfortunate concoction was somehow recarbonated, rechilled and resold, I can't help but see this as a crapshoot for Pepsi.

I was hoping one of the big daddies, either Coke or Pepsi, could get the vanilla-flavored cola thing right. Big sigh, I was wrong. But, I'm not all bitter news. I can suggest a good soda I sampled this weekend. It's called Moon Mist Blue, and it's Faygo's flavorful attempt at a Mountain Dew taste-alike, yet they added that blue, mystery berry flavor that's all the rage these days, and they threw in some carbonation to boot. It's so good, it made me want to slap a racoon and call my momma a Hoe Down...

Sorry, I spent too much time at this year's Fair.

But in my opinion, save your money on this one. Baby needs a new pair of shoes!