Finding Nemo Delicious.

Thanks to Hallie for sending me this, and for making me hungry and disappointed at myself all at once.



"Here's a New Thought: Your Own Common Sense."

It's free. Plus, it will help reduce noise pollution. Silence the likes of Dr. Phil. Throw your hard-earned money at me instead. I'll build houses for the poor. (Me.) I try as hard possible to not pay attention. But I heard Dr. Phil has a new diet book out. And possibly an online program named "Shape Up!" Exclamation point. Which is why I try not to pay attention, and also why this country is killing me softly. But while I'm waiting for that overseas work Visa to arrive, and as long as everyone else is cashing in on our expanding lines of waste, then I will create a diet called "Oh Stop It, You Lazy Bastards". It combines strenuous activities like, say, walking, with eating a little real cheese instead of a whole package of fake, plastic non-fat cheese. I don't think that will be received as well as my "All Cigarette and Vodka Martini Dose-And-Cleanse Weight Reduction Plan". So, I'm undecided. I think I will just develop both and contradict myself. Luckily, hardly anyone will notice. Office Shizzle Josh-Next-Door wants to entitle his program "Let Me Guess. It's Your Thyroid." Josh is not only funny but also very accurate.


"How can a toothless woman eat a smoked turkey leg?"

"How can the Amish have an ice cream stand with electric lightbulbs running around an electric marquee?" and "Why do they call it pork-butt-on-a-stick when it has bones?" and "Have you actually seen the Fat Balls this year?"

These are all valid questions I will ask myself tonight at the Fair. Besides "Why can't you walk around the Midway with a beer?" The answer to that is easy enough: Not enough security for the acts of beer-induced bravery and fights that would erupt. You want that action, you'd better head out to Jerry Lawler's Strip Club and Jell-o Wrestling bar across town.

I personally can't wait, and hope to have some good pictures to show here. Oh and about the Fat Balls, I'm not making that one up. They are supposedly deep-fried dough balls split in half, filled with pie filling or pudding and then set atop waffle cones. I think it's a myth. I hope not. For many reasons.