Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Life is good. Good good good.


"Jay Leno will step down as host of The Tonight Show in 2009 and turn over the reigns to Conan O'Brien, whose Late Night with Conan O'Brien leads out of The Tonight Show, reports Mediaweek’s John Consoli."

They taste worse than they smell, but my hair is luxurious!

It's taken me way too long to state the obvious, and I do apologize. But for the record and for those keeping score, yes: Muncheros or Salted Prunes with Chili are truly one of God's most incredibly horrible and useless food items I've ever encountered this side of raw sea urchin. That may be an unfair statement to anyone planning on being stranded without hope in the desert. Bring these treats along to suck on, prolonging your life just long enough for you to realize that you have no hope left as you hallucinate your way into a kinder, gentler dimension.

Maybe I don't know what I'm doing with these things. Maybe I was supposed to boil and rehydrate them. Let me describe them to you.

Upon opening the bag, I was instantly teleported back to a humid, barefooted childhood summer. Running carefree through our backyard past the plum tree, its branches hanging low with ripened fruit, I learned the value of footwear. Stepping on a rotting plum was one thing; the pointy pit inside was another. Collapsing to the ground at breakneck speed and skidding through numerous other rotting plums tends to leave a mark, I'd have to say. Another not e of interest: After a surprise crash-and-burn like that, your sense of smell is heightened by the adrenaline rush. It was at that point I collected my thoughts, assessed the damage, and realized that I smelled of burning grass stains and hot sticky tobacco chaw.

Again, I'm from the South. Sadly, I know what a "chaw" smells like. If you don't, simply buy a bag of Salted Prunes with Chili and experience the smell of an actual dried chaw.

Objectively speaking, the most pleasing part of the Salted Prunes (besides the potential of them actually being a newfound taste treat) was their appearance. They looked like soft little chunks of something rolled in cocoa powder. Aside from the smell, how bad could these be? So I tossed one in and bit down. Basically, the only way to describe them are dried-up mold-covered rocks rolled in dehydrated worm dirt (for anyone not from the South, that would be dirt you'd find in a container of fishing worms). Complete with a sharp pit in the center! And basically, the salt was so intense that it just cauterized many a tastebud's sad attempt.

They were so gross, I had to try another one.

Oh, come on, you know how it is. Disbelief: It's the only reason why some guys I've known ever got second dates with the same woman. Disbelief can drive you to do the most illogical things. I have the physical scars to prove it.

But hey, I knew they'd be gross. Luckily, foresight ordered some Japanese Peanuts with Chili to chase the horrific taste out of my mouth. Now let me just say that those little bastards are GOOD.

And because I was running low anyway, I bought a new shampoo by Freida -- Brilliant Brunette Shine Release Shampoo for Darker Shades of Brown Hair Chestnut to Espresso. No pun intended, but it completely rocks. I'm not sure about the shine factor, but the smell is over-powering in a really good way, and the moisturizing formula really does rehydrate a ragged end. It's like the exact opposite of a Salted Prune with Chili. See? Life is good like that.

So kids, let that be a lesson to you: You can't know what's truly good until you experience what's truly bad. And if you plan on going hiking through Death Valley, remember to bring your Salted Prunes -- with or without chili -- live dangerously! But please, children, please wear shoes.

(Thanks to Chip for the enlightening "Product Review, Product Review!" challenge. My hair thanks you! Next product review: Rock Star Energy Drink!)


Paste This said...

You are a rare gem, and a real sport. I can't 'props' enough. Not only were they as gross as I thought they might be, your description was so clear, I need never try them myself (the reason for being of a product description, non?). I'm from the South, as you know. Worm dirt. Oh God, ugh.

Hey, what about roadside boiled peanuts? Now that's a tasty Southern delicacy.

My wife lives on energy drinks. Sugar free Red Bull is her choice, but Rockstar is twice the size for the price. You probably know that sugar free Rockstar is sweeping the nation. We asked our Walgreen's mgr. to order it, he got three at a time to start. Now it has its own row, and still sells out regularly. M, however, has decided the Red Bull is worth the price.

m said...

Jay Leno.. Jay Leno. Who ... is.. OHHH yeah, the guy that comes on during David Letterman. Ok. Yeah life is indeed grand.

zoey said...

i've had some of those! the ones i had were called saliditos! YUCK!!! i found them at a gas station. i literally had to pull off the freeway to spit them out! BLEAHCK! z

me said...

Like a true Suth'ner, I just knew you'd know what chaw smelled like, too, Chip! And M is right, Red Bull sugarfree is pretty damn good for a diet energy drink. I found that a Diet Rock Star is just more'n I can handle.

Zoey: You rock. If I'd have been driving, I might have wrecked!