Gardenburgers are damn good.

Don't even be fooled. These flame-broiled babies will fill you up like a moose what ate the sack o' rice. No, I don't know what that means really. I think it means if you have no emergency buns, then don't overcompensate by eating two patties.

Patties. I hate that word. I hate a girl named Patty, too.

We're all stuck here at work tonight, and so I break out the emergency food: carrots and two Gardenburger patties. Good Lord, don't eat two. For so many reasons, I wish I were dead right now.

That's a good tagline for Gardenburgers, huh? "Don't eat two. You'll wish you were dead!"

I should've worked in advertising when it was good. When advertisers weren't afraid of being sued by the undeserving, money-grubbing piggies of the world. When copywriters were not afraid to write "Feed your children Golden Butter. Makes children as fat as pigs." And then, some artist had to go to all the trouble of painting a child's head on a pig's body. And that was good advertising.

"A fattened child is a healthy child. Try lard today!"

As usual, I'm always late to the best opportunities.