Costco, you have betrayed me.


This is what I found in my $5.96 worth of grapes last night. A black widow. What a bargain: Buy 5 pounds of white seedless grapes and get one dangerous spider, absolutely free. Nice.

Now I'm off grapes, the only fruit convenient enough for a lazy fruit consumer such as myself. No peeling, no slicing, no pitting or removing seeds. Just wash, pluck, eat. And even washing has been optional in the past because I'm sure I'm full of plenty of pesticides from a lifetime of unintentional exposure.

So bonus question: If the spider would've bitten me, who would've been more toxic to whom?

Luckily, Ron assumed his marital duties of flattening the beast outside on the new front stoop and disposed of the spider's All-U-Can-Eat-and-Hide-In-All-the-Way-From-Arizona-til-U-Bite-Someone-in-Memphis vessel. I'm not gonna let Chile take the hit on this one; these grapes were from Arizona. Who knew. If you can't trust Arizona... well... I would've made wine out of those grapes if it'd been me smooshing the beast. Either that or set a new world's record for distance-tossing grapes like a girl.

Any recommendations for a new, easy-access fruit would be greatly appreciated.

Costco, Costco, Costco... I thought me and you were real, dawg.