(Swiped from scooterdeb)

Which OS are You?


(Sssh, I'm not really transparent. It's just that blinding lack o' tan.)







Back from vacation, but never ever back from the ocean.

Ocean City.
It's good to finally know where I'm supposed to live -
two blocks from this chilly ocean's boardwalk,
which calculates out to
an exact 180-degree welcomed shift away from
sweltering heat, cottonwood allergies and other
eye-damaging mau mau, and liquored-up
singing hobos wafting aroound you
and your daily downtown walks-turned-rushes.
All of which I've spent two or three lifetimes
almost growing accustomed to, almost.
But never ever quite fond of, and it's
definitely nothing more than a romantic notion
at best.

Ok. I live down by the river. But the Atlantic Ocean?
Oh yes, now that's what I've been looking for.
And, thinking more on it,
it wouldn't hurt my feelings at all
to keep going as far east as possible.
So east in fact that I may work my way back west.
This is all scribbled in the *good to know* margins
of my mildewy, tattered soul.

Of course, that stuffy nose could be from the cat
wrapping himself around my head and sleeping on my face.
It was nice to be missed, so thank you, Googie.
You swollen bag of marshmallows you.



Nah. It's definitely the cottonwood.
And the hobo pee.


Man.
I have a zillion pictures to go through.
There are some nice ones, I'll show you.

Best part of the trip:
besides the fresh mozzarella at Piccini's,
besides Eve,
besides the salty, warm ocean air,
I listened to "Siddhartha (Unabridged)"
by Hermann Hesse, narrated by Firdous Bamji.

Slake that eternal thirst on your way to the banyan tree,
and enjoy this work of art forever.

No, really. Get it.
It's the bong-bong, noble sangha, total enlightenment.

And right when you and I both forget that I speak the g-dog...

No, really. Get it, and share it.


And happy (early) holiday to everyone.
Enjoy a sparkler or two.
Maybe something out of a can, maybe something on a bun.
And remember, kids, fireworks are fun.
But don't blow anything off that you might need later.

You're right.
That would look nice embroidered on a throw pillow.

Doesn't this just break your heart?
I didn't realize Erik Estrada was so short.



+++



"Mrs. Hogwallop done up and r-u-n-n-o-f-t."

Or "Gone to the beach and other swell places* for a week."

If I don't come back, don't worry, I'll send for you.

Unless I win that Miss Ocean City beauty pageant,
and in that case, contact my agent Schmuley.




*One of them being Bethany Beach, Delaware,
well, who knew?
Scottshead: I'll call you right before
I shake it at the webcam.

Interoffice Memo-Alert:

There's a chocolate donut with a bite out of it if anyone wants it.


(also)


To: Perpetuated M. Cannons and Hester Shaver

"No, thank you" on that Canadian pharmacy offer.

Email from my Austin Jackie to be shared.

Hey Woman! How's thangs? Had a good time in the UK with David and his family. Bryony has grown so much in a year.

Thought about you at the concert when one of the bands performing asked the audience how the sound was and someone behind me yelled out, "It's Rubbbish!!!!" Learned some new words from the locals too.
Great = Aces
Bad = Utter Toliet
Puke = Chundered
Surprised = Staggered
Amazing = Sheer Class

and I actually got to hear someone use this in context...Nancy Boy!
We were at a pub and the bartender asked if I wanted a half-pint (she nods yes) and then looked at Ned and said, "Now don't you be ordering a half-pint like a Nancy Boy!"

I can't believe those dirty underdrawers in that email you sent me!
That is HILARIOUS!


>>
>> London:
>>
>> What's better than pics of Big Ben, Parliament, The London Bridge,
>> The London Tower and Buckingham Palace?
>>
>> A snack vendor truck:

(It's incredibly touching you connected me
with someone yelling "rubbish."
"Staggered." Ha!
That is the recurring word for the day.)

Love you so, so much, girl!

ps, you've inspired me: only $200 and a few forms,
and my new name could be Nancy Boy.

For the record, I wasn't fondling the donuts in the kitchen.

I was transferring them all into one, unified box.
It's called "consolidonutting."
Just so you know I'm only *that kind of weird.*

And on top of it all, I used wax paper to do it.
So just leave me to my wicked cleanliness, ok?

(Mmmm. Dohnnnutsss.)

Well, I'm from Dixie, too, apparently.

Ok. They got me on this one,




although *caramel* has three syllables, no question.
My dad stopped me once on that to correct me:
"No. That's what yankees say."

Oooo. Yank-kays.
I do declare, he said that.

(So I'm, what, 12 years old, and fortunately
he had to explain "yankee" to me.
Just skimmed along discriminatory in my opinion.
Twinge of irony all around. Then I asked,
"So what's the extra 'A' for then - for fun?"
"It's pronounced 'kar-muhl' down here. 'Karmuhl'..."
was the end of the discussion.)

So.
I started a 4-year war with him, shot and ate his horse,
scorched his peaches, pillaged his women,
and finally forced him into surrender
at Richmond and Durham.
But our last battle at Palmito Ranch
ironically ended in a Southern victory.

It's a classic toss-up,
y'all.

Enjoyyy.

Hello, Moto.
Got the RAZR in magenta.
True love.

I tried to forewarn you all about the shoe pics.
But here they must begin.

Ooo.
They call that a close-up, 4x. Huh.

Really?
Oh, alright.
Don't let the closeup scare you.
Unless you're afraid of rosemary and lavender.
Spookyyy.

Here's a nice one right before I broke into the car.
Got $1.62 in loose change, a half pack of Camel Lights,
and a motivational book on tape.
Want it? I already know how it ends.

This is Shaunshead making his scariest pirate face,
complete with pointy hair in the front.
Which translates more vampire than anything.

Vampirate.
Yarrr.

Anyone needing a vampirate,
send inquiries to me.

Arrrggghhhchhhhhhbbrrgggphhh.*

*(My parents came to town for the weekend,
and they officially have too much energy for me.
Last night, I slept 11 hours and 45 minutes,
and that was after a 3 hour nap.
Alright, that's it, less decons and more vitamins.
And where's the receipt for that used monkey...
plus, I finally got some PG Tips,
that should do it.
Carry on.)





To Coffecake J. Gazebo
Wiktor Atwater,
Rower R. Librarian,
Severina Kockrim,
Stark N. Aked
and Anita Biggun:

I don't care if Oprah likes it,
no thank you,
I don't want any Hoodia 920+.



To Slating H. Cheekfischer:

Man's Health
Anti-Depressants
Antibiotics
Cholesterol
Diabetes
Diuretic
Pain Relief
Sexual Health
Sleep Aids
Weight Loss ...

Not interested. Thanks.

"HALLOH?!"

"..uhmm...is Alex there?"

"VHAT?! VHAT DID YOO ZAY?! HOO IS ZISS?!"

"...ah...it's, uh, Bethany...may I speak to Alex, please?"

"AH YAHYAH....A-LIKKS!! TALA-FONE!!"

"Hello?"

"Dude, your mom hates me."

"No, she's just German."