Friday, June 01, 2007

In case you were wondering, and I know you were, I think I have figured out aliens. Finally.

They are the future of humankind, coming back in time to visit us. Yes. It's us, people. That's what we'll look like as an envolved, future human. Why do we come back? Because. That's what advanced humankinds do, right? They travel back in time to learn something from the past, and then help their kids write book reports on these things. Just as long as they don't try to sell me any Girl Scout cookies, I'm fine. Now. Why they come to our yards and do crop circles then turn our cows inside out at night, well, that's just *dirty riding* I guess.

1. The giant head and the swollen eyes: They evolved because of seasonal allergies that eventually lasted all year long. Everyone's allergic to everything, and it is getting better? No. So, the sinus pressure made the skulls bigger, and the swollen, itchy eyes had to go somewhere.

2. The Michael Jackson nose: Again with the allergies. Bigger particulate matter, bigger "noseholes" as they are referred to in certain sectors of the tragically-curious. But as you can clearly see with the head grown as big as it is, I'm not sure this single nosehole was a complete success. So either humankind got carried away and began to snort energy drinks. Or Starbucks. Or, quite possibly, all of humankind finally got famous from being reality shows winners, the whole lot of them, and this is one, giant, cocaine nosehole (which I had the pleasure seeing close-up in a dream last night, courtesy of Ambien and the six-armed woman missing one hand threatening me to a fight at the local Conoco store, and all I was wearing was a towel and an unfortunate pair of underwear my mother'd always warned me about, but that is just another story).

3. Tiny mouth: Luckily, humankind stopped talking. With the widespread use of blogs and isolation through iPods and cellphones with mp3 players, there was just no reason to use a mouth anymore. Obviously, everyone in my family died out way before this tiny-mouth adaptation occurred.

4. The skinny build: Okay. So maybe I do have a bone to pick with my own allergies after all. But I still say everyone continued on with over-the-counter appetite suppressing sinus medicines until they were left with nothing more than skeletal frames. Also, humankind eventually became allergic to peanuts and, sadly, corn. So there was nothing left for them to eat but styrofoam packing peanuts -- the Original Recipe ones that never bio-degraded. But that at least solved one of the problems of how to get rid of the things.

5. The potbelly: Face it. Like a milking cow will always have an udder, so too will the human have a potbelly. We may not be able to eat peanuts and corn, but we'll always find a way to fry something.

6. The Crocs: Have you ever tried on a pair of these? Sadly, they are the future -- a hideous but comfortable and virtually indestructible future. You laugh now, but one day, one of your great-great-great-great-great grandchildren may develop a packing peanut allergy and evolve on to eating only fried Crocs.

The eyebrows? I admit, they are just fantasy. With the widespread over-use of Botox, humankind won't need them. But I like to dream big when I do dream about other things besides six-armed women monsters threatening me at convenience stores.

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