Friday, August 13, 2004

What time is it? It's "Product Review, Product Review!"

With all this working diligently much like a typical sucka and/or road-tripping to-and-fro as of late, and also being that I am one of those people who really needs a boost (even in my sleep) to remain alive and breathing, I have turned to the aid of energy drinks for the past couple of weeks.

Today, I will share my latest findings with you. Why? Because I care. No, really. I really, really do.

Presenting our lovely, worthy, and bangin' contestants:

Red Bull vs. Mtn Dew's Amp vs. SoBe Adrenaline Rush vs KMX vs. PimpJuice.

Red Bull.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Red Bull gives you wings. And gas. It was one of the premiere energy drinks, so I have to give it that credit. It does work. It does actually give me extra energy -- sugar-free and sugar-fire -- but at what palatable cost? What I'm saying is that, to me, Red Bull still tastes like sucking on an uncoated multi-vitamin with lots of extra Vitamin C and rosehips in it. And people, trust me when I say I've done a lot of stupid things, so I know what I'm talking about. On its merits alone, I give Red Bull Sugar-free an honorable mention and a C. The sugared version gets a C+ for the extra surge of sucra-licious power.

Mountain Dew's Amp.
Again, I must give credit where it's due. In the 70's when you needed a blast of energy, who'd you turn to? Not your dealer, Biggie Jay-Jay on Brown Street. No, you headed for the Mountain Dew. Extra-sweet, extra-caffiene, extra-legal. I heard stories about junior high kids drinking entire 2-liter bottles and tripping. So I kinda expected more of a blast from this. In my opinion, I equate this to a fine ice wine distilled from a vintage Mountain Dew fruit. Nostalgic feelings are nice, but it's not a Mountain Dew to the ninth Power like I was expecting. But since it is tasty, I give it a jaunty C+.

SoBe Adrenaline Rush.
At approximately 7:12am, I sputtered into the RaceTrac gas station/convenience superplex by the highway for my long journey home. Six hundred or so miles to go, but I'm not counting. I'm running on the fumes of champagne and three delicious petit fours long gone well over 12 hours ago. I shoved the door open for a post-wedding reception breakfast: a bag of Fritos, another bag of Lance's Vinegar and Dill chips, and something with some caffeine. ANYthing with caffeine. Yet the stale smell of boiled coffee just tied a slipknot in my stomach. So, off to the cooler to find salvation in the perfect energy drink. And let me tell you, this is how life is created, my children. Sweet, sweet life is raised from the graveyard with one can of this magic herbal concoction. Plus it tasted good. Reeeeal good. Maybe it's the natural high of Mother Nature's herbs versus the man-harnessed vits and stimulants used in the other drinks, but trust me, SoBe is a good slow burn of energy. Yessss, IT'S ALIVE!! (sfx: thunderclaps and screams) If I could, I'd give it more than an A+.

If you can't find a SoBe, then you can still turn to KMX. Even though I wonder why an energy drink is named after a 13 year-old boy's bike. Yeah. The name is totally weak to me. But man, there's no denying that it's good. It's one of the more flavorful ones I've tried so far. Doing the trick with good taste is fine with me. But the name...what does that name mean? It means someone got paid way too much money to think of it, or they were too chicken to tell someone in charge that it's flatter than your best friend's 8 year-old sister. Name it Satan's Tinkle, and bingo, you'd have a better name as far as I'm concerned. Man. It does work, and the taste is great. But somebody needs to give the responsible party a bid ole D- on principle alone just because the name needs a boost of creativity, dang it. We as consumers like to be entertained as we drink our tiny, mostly over-priced cans of chemicals. I know my rights as an over-consumer! What are you trying to pull here? Who's in charge anyway? Who's responsible? Wait. I get it now. KMX stands for Kiss My Xenophobic tendencies. Nevermind. It's a B.

Who wouldn't want to get mixed up with an energy drink named PimpJuice? It may look like anti-freeze, but "It tastes like drinkin' a Jolly Rancher," said Ron. It sure did. I wanted to love it so bad that it still hurts. Makes me wanna get out the car and choke a b*tch. But, as far as the juice-power, it choked. Not enough sugar, Daddy. More mojo than go-go. Clearly, you get the sad polaroid of what I'm trying to say. Look at that can. It looks cool, like malt liquor. It's still sitting here on my windowsill like the ashes of a loved one. Maybe it's because I miss my poor, deceased Pink Champale instead. Now there's another story, and another wound that will never heal. Although it pains me, I havta give PimpJuice a B+ at least for the name, the color, and the fond memories of the 70's goneby. And for all my dead homeys, of course.

Remember these are only my opinions, but they are 100% reliable and tested. So get out there and get your juice on, whichever is right for you.

Next "Product Review, Product Review" is of the new M-azing Candy Bars (2 kinds) from the makers of M&Ms, and for my diabetic pals, the new Sugar-free version of Almond Roca. Enjoy your weekend!

One more rather important thing:

If you're in Memphis, super-cool, and not busy tonight, well then come awnnn dowwwwn --

----Original Message--------

Subject: This Friday, Kick Off Your Sunday Shoes


(Attached is a jpg-explanation-invitation for you and whomever you'd like to forward this to…)

Join three guys* commenting loudly on one bad movie this Friday the 13th, doors open at 8:00pm. It should be funny and fun for all, Audience Comments Welcomed, so please Louise, pull me off of my knees and get down to the Gibson Lounge this Friday. Why not? It's a great excuse to hang out and fry up some Kevin Bacon.

For more info, call 544-7998 ext 2. Or email me back, and I'll just ask sumbuddy.

"What the hell. Alcohol'll be served, so everything should get funnier." -- Ron Shelton

*One of those guys is Ron, by the way. So everybody cut Footloose.

E-flyer designed by Mamie. GO MAMIE!

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