Monday, September 11, 2006

Product Review, Product Review!

Granja San Francisco Blossom Honey
The taste is very light, very good, but honestly
the most exciting thing
(and trust me, this is actually exciting if you are the freakshow known as "Tidy Girl")
the bottle says "No drip" and can you believe it,
they aren't kidding.

Oh, you care, you know you do.

In a word: Yayyy.
Which means,
"For once, I got my money's worth with a product claim
that turned out to be 100% accurate."
At about $6.00 for the 12.3 ouncer I got, it wasn't quite a giveaway,
but it's worth it to Tidy Girl for the dripless bottle alone.
And, that an advertiser didn't lie in my face, again,
was worth 50 bucks.
No, just a wisened ex-ad making consumer-cow sick of takin' it.
Moo, baby.

So here's one, giant thank you to Spain's Number 1 brand
classic honey.
And for once, I'm not talking about Pau Gasol.

"She's not really that funny. But let her think she is."

They also have Eucalyptus & Linden and Rosemary & Lavender blends.

That first one sounds awfully medicinal, don't you think?
But the Rosemary & Lavender?
Well, YEAH, I do HAVE to get it.
How many times do I have to tell you,
regardless of what the neighbors say,
I'm not made of wood.
Dammit. Where's the credit card...

Next up:
Products from Eyes Lips Face

Despite conflicting media reports,
it doesn't take much to make me happy.
(Damn you, Star Magazine!)
Anyway, so I've been waiting like a preteen
in a new pink training bra to try something neato from ELF;
but sadly, I needed the heat to die down here
so it wouldn't melt my elfen goodies.

If you know what I mean.

Yeah, what I mean is:
"The heat will melt your dreamy nougats in transit,"
a sad fact.

But luckily, when global warming hits,
it won't touch the acclimated, hardened, well-seasoned me.
So what? So, I can help you with handy survival tips
from my experience with intense heat is what.
Unless I don't like you.
And in that case,
you can sit on an ice cube and die for all I care, jerkface.

Ooo, she's obviously sugar-buzzed on too much honey.

Lipgloss cellphone charms on a magenta RAZR?
Well. I guess they're just trying to kill me.

Actually, I can be strong and walk on by that action,
and just customize my own compact...
"Combine your favorite eye, lip & face shades with
our Magnetic Lock-In System..."
(Did you just hear me squeal with the untarnished enthusiasm
of a sixth grader
high on Bonne Bell Dr. Pepper flavored lipgloss,
complete with a shoestring lanyard to wear it around the neck?...
It was more of a rusty squeak, actually.)

If you've tried the ELF products, especially the lip glosses,
please don't tell me they're waxy or crappy or grainy.
Just let me live a few more days in my blissful ignorance.
Or is it ignorant bliss?
See? Why you did it I don't know,
but you may have only assumed I was smart.

And finally,
This Week on Episode Three of "Tidy Girl":

Oddly enough,
Tidy Girl did not super-vaccuum the entire house as usual
on a Saturday.

never one to resist the urge to purge,
she did rummage through
the super-secret stainless steel refrigerator cave
to deftly rid her world of any fresh
(and in that case, probably expensive) foods
on the verge of turning evil and supervillainnous.

Undaunted in her quest for freshness,
she did saute one salmon fillet
(fresh cracked peppered and pink sea salted)
in extra-virgin olive oil,
and finished it off with a dark honey glaze
with chopped scallions,
pan-grilled six various chicken sausages
(the most interesting one being the tastiest,
the maple with blueberries, surprise)
reduced three chicken breasts
and one bunch of green onions and sea salt
into a decent mini-stock worthy of a soup
or a brown rice dish
surely to come down in a fit of boiling rage,
finished by ripping the chicken to shreds,
dousing it in a hot and spicy mixture
of barbecue sauce and
"some really hot sauce she got at the Asian market"
the one with the rooster on it,
the one she can't ever remember the name of,
but she really likes.

She also made cornbread with oregano,
grated asiago, and parmesan, and some other cheese left unnamed.

So much for her feeble attempts at vegetarianism...ness.

While the fish and chicken took it hard for The Team,
at least no cattle, goats, or sheep were harmed during
"The Cleansing through Fire" apparently.*

She also took two megabaths that involved many magazines,
three books, and two bath bombs from Lush,

Black Pearl and Think Pink.

Lush, have I told you lately how much I love you?

*Did I eat it all?
Please. I'm not insane like that.
Which just means, really,
"Anyone up for leftovers?"

Also, fair warning,
I feel a severe case of cupcakes coming on.
Red velvet, I bet. With cream cheese icing and sprinkles.


Jesse's Mom said...

B, I want in on those cupcakes when you make a batch. Pretty please?

me said...

Well, of course (and my favorite four words on that): A Big Hell Yeah.

Coming soon!