Thursday, July 07, 2005

Your Search Results, Answered.

01 Jul, Fri, 11:06:26 Yahoo: facking girls
02 Jul, Sat, 03:33:22 Altavista: pau gasol and dwarf
02 Jul, Sat, 09:55:59 Yahoo: strippers for ladies eyes only
02 Jul, Sat, 11:16:48 Google: FLEXY GIRLS
02 Jul, Sat, 17:04:05 MSN Search: facking
03 Jul, Sun, 01:37:47 Yahoo: facking girls
03 Jul, Sun, 15:50:53 Google: best week
04 Jul, Mon, 11:34:21 Google: tokyoplastic screensaver
04 Jul, Mon, 15:35:29 Google: sugarditch mississippi
05 Jul, Tue, 03:25:32 Yahoo: pictures of poop stained panties
05 Jul, Tue, 08:59:55 Altavista: john wayne gacy
05 Jul, Tue, 17:04:22 Yahoo: girls facking
06 Jul, Wed, 00:26:14 Yahoo: hard contacts gas perms vs. soft contacts
06 Jul, Wed, 05:10:49 Yahoo: pre teen boobs
06 Jul, Wed, 05:49:08 Google: ""
06 Jul, Wed, 09:11:45 Google: larry junior
06 Jul, Wed, 09:13:07 Google: phrases "talk to the hand" "you go girlfriend"
06 Jul, Wed, 11:49:14 Yahoo: c.o.g.i.c. hats
06 Jul, Wed, 15:21:08 Yahoo: miku aquapet
06 Jul, Wed, 16:31:43 Google: nicole richies diet secrets

Congratulations! Your search requests have been successfully received and will be answered in the order in which they were received and by level of importance.

RE: pau gasol and dwarf
Pau Gasol is a professional NBA basketball player measuring 7' tall, therefore anyone positioned next to him would quite possibly resemble some type of hideous fat, impish and easily crushable pinkish dwarf next to this lithe hunk of Spanish manpower. Please try narrowing your search for better results, midget.

RE: strippers for ladies eyes only
Grandma...? Is that you...? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE AT BINGO ON THURSDAYS. Please, change your search to "John 14:15", and don't get funny by *accidentally* slipping an "Elton" in there anywhere. Sheesh.

RE: sugarditch mississippi
Sugarditch, Mississippi no longer exists. It has been magically transformed from the flat, dusty, poverty-striken tract of land it once was into one of the top destination gambling resorts in the world, and is now known as Tunica, Mississippi. Yes, I said "world." Twenty years ago, people in Sugarditch, Nowheresville thought hanging out in the front yard a'countin' lightnin' bugs and sipping warm water from a garden hose was a fine night out on the town, especially on accounta, hell, there was no electricity. But now, thanks to organized crime, they know the key to happiness and the real secret to success: Feeding upon other people's compulsions mixed liberally with watered down Bacardi-flavored beverages and, heya, don't forget the poker chips. Please forget you ever heard the name, Sugarditch, see, or you'll be sleeping with the fishes... the catfishes, capeesh??! Ya wiiiise guyyy...

RE: pre teen boobs
Please try expanding your search to include information on "surviving in jail" and "shanks." Be advised, miskeying the word and searching for "skanks" may yield the desired results, all around, and nobody gets hurt.

RE: pictures of poop stained panties
Please try sharpening your search by substituting the keyword "pictures" with the keywords "image" or "photos." You should also expand your search for information on "R. Kelly," and you may want to check out more handy information by searching "surviving in jail with guys digging on them pre teen boobs."

RE: Larry Junior
Please try sharpening your search to "skanks with shanks." Also, search "doughy ho, coffee on the crapper."

RE: phrases "talk to the hand" "you go girlfriend"
Please try searching for "Oprah" or "hackneyed catch phrases from 1995" or "Will & Grace" even though all three searches will probably yield the same, tired results.

RE: nicole richies diet secrets:
The search ends here. The answer you are looking for is "cocaine and Marlboro Reds." This also applies to Lindsay Lohan diet secrets as well. Hillary Duff is up next to ride the cocaine train, but as for her sister -- appropriately named "No, not Hillary... you know...The Other One" Duff-- she probably will not be shooting the skinny-smack unless she plans on getting a nose job soon. So please try keywords such as -- "nicole who?, coke, blow, snort, white pony, the anorexic and the tanorexic, too much money, too much time, if i can't be the most talented then by God i'll be the skinniest" and also "Paris sucks", or simply bundle the keywords "Nicole Ritchie Lindsay Lohan Hillary Duff diagnosed with osteoporosis" for the most accurate results.

Thank you for all your facking search queries. We hope this information will help make your Internet experience a better, safer and more memorable experience today, tomorrow and the day after that. Always remember to search with your head, and not over it.


Brian said...

sugarditch mississippi

Isn't he an old blues singer?

me said...

I hear tell there was, quite possibly, an old blues singer named Sugar Ditch. But now, sadly, he is a fully-digitalized, horror-classic themed slot machine named Frankenslots III.