Friday, May 06, 2005

Things I'm getting completely immune to:

Besides oil, gas and this whole Iraqy thing...

(5) this crazy woman

(4) this crazy woman

(3) this crazy woman's registry

(2) these crazy women*

(1) people finding fingers in food

"...Fizer, who accidentally stuck his hand in a mixing machine and had his right index finger lopped off at the first knuckle..." Yes. "Don't stop the machines, just suck it up and work through it, Fizer. You already had your smoke break today."

Remember, I am just a gnarled product of my environment. Time for some peanuts and milk and antibiotics. And if I find a finger in any one of those, so help me God, I will cash in big money this time, and you're personally invited to my middle-class beer bash. Until, as Ron points out (no pun intended), the severed finger's former owner sues the blazing crap out of me for keeping his finger and suing him in the first place.

One day, I'm smuggling myself into Canada and taking a big supply of books I've always meant to read.

*Nothing says "blessed love" like a newlywed couple's matching Jay Leno chin implants. Damn. I may cry now.

And finally, you know my love for Search Engine Queries:

30 Apr, Sat, 23:54:57 Yahoo: does diet mt dew cause cancer?

01 May, Sun, 20:46:14 Google: mike miller + moustache + basketball

02 May, Mon, 19:52:27 Google: "bonzi can be an ass"

05 May, Thu, 13:59:22 Google: Females Crapping

I bet that last search query had something to do with "The Twelve Days of Christmas."

And to that one curious person recently searching for girls having organisms, well, I've thought about you a lot and, well, I guess this picture will just have to do for now:

(swiped from gofugyourself)


The Angry Czeck said...

Listen, my scientific inquery into Girls Having Orgasms was completely legit. The COMPETE inquery was "Girls having orgasms" and "instructions"

me said...

Organisms, Mr. Edward E. Pankreas, organisms!

Well well well, how is the view from atop Mt. Filth?

And if that quote sounds familiar, it's because Shirley Feeney a.k.a. Dollface said that to Laverne DiFazio once, long ago. I can remember that quote word for word, but I have no idea how many cups are in a gallon.

Tigersaurus said...

Regarding the registry: I was simply amazed as I went through the first part of the list....seeing all the 'completed' items.


Until I came to the bed linens.

At least the line has been drawn somewhere, right?