My Dad had a beautiful dream, I can do basic math now, and my mom's gone deaf.

mom: "Yep, that's what he'd say every time...blonde, blue-eyed, with big boobs..."

me: "And don't forget deaf."

mom: "Oh-ho yes, that's what he'd say to me and everyone at The Knife and Fork Club, when I'd tell 'em that I wish I hadda married a gay man. Your Daddy'd say, 'Well yeah, I wish I hadda married me a li'l ol' blonde with big, blue-eyes, big boobs, and she'd be a deaf-mute."

me: "You keep forgetting the 'and she'd be a deaf-mute nymphomaniac whose daddy owned a liquor store' bit at the end."

mom: "Remember when he brought Noel Hunnicutt's Playboy into the house, and I found it stuck up in his closet?"

me: "No."

mom: "Oh sure you do, remember, it took me 3 or 4 days to color all the clothes on 'em with Magic Markers, on all those nasty women. I even drew turtlenecks on some of 'em. Made him s'mad because he had to return it to Hunnicutt since he'd 'just borrowed it', yeahright. Honestly. I mean really. The very idea."

me: "The liquor store part always sounded pretty good to me."

mom: "That's because your Papaw hid in a utility closet to drink God Knows What outta his ol' brown paper bag...bless 'im..."

me: "I'm beginning to understand why. And you had kids? Thanks a lot."

mom: "Well. It wasn't on my mind at the time."

me: "Hey, you're not throwing me with that one anymore. It took me until I was 28 to do the math on this: two babies, born 3 years and a day apart, March 25th and 26th. Daddy's birthday was June 19th, and you couldn't have just gotten him a nice tie or a book instead?"

mom: ...

me: ...

mom: "So what'd you have for supper?"

me: "Brie."