A conversation between me and my boyfriend, Stephen Merchant:


(Stephen's in the bathtub, with bubbles, reading "Eat, Pray, Love")

me,"So, Stephen, I was thinking -- "

smerch, "Once never hurt anyone."

me, (ignoring that comment) "You know how tomorrow's Valentine's Day, and well, I was thinking we should try something different this year, seeing as we have the rest of our lives together and all."

smerch, "What? No jetting off to Paris to hang out in front of the Eiffel Tower, pretend were climbing it like monkeys, forced perspective photos, that sort of thing?"

me, "I know that's always fun, but no, I was thinking: I watched Half Nelson last night, and I was thinking that possibly Evan Gosling could be my Valentine this year."

smerch, (wide-eyed, he looks up from his book, and pauses. Two, quick drips of water from the leaky faucet plink-plink into the bubblebath.) "Johnny Depp is going to be simply blinded by this news, don't you think?"

As if on director's cue, my cellphone rings.

smerch, "There he is. Again. Mobile's always tweedlin', day and night."

me, "'Tweedlin'...? You promise you're not gay?"

smerch, "I should be so fortunate."

me, "So whaddya say? Do y'mind much if Evan's my Valentine this year? It won't be much. Sushi probably. He's an actor. You know how I feel about actors. Not my type."

smerch, "Obviously. And, as if it matters much, his name is Ryan, not Evan. Well, I'm just glad I'm not the jealous sort. Home by 10 then?"

me, "And that's why I love you."

smerch, "Just don't ever leave me, it'd rip my soul to shreds, I'd be forced to walk the streets, groping and tearing at my clothes in agony and whatnot. Eviscerated."

me, "Look, as long as you keep making those Rob Roys the way I like 'em, we're good. So what's up with that book you've got there?"

smerch, "Just curious really. She babbles on and on but says some mildly entertaining bits in a chapter or two. Kinda reminds me of you."

me, "Fine, just don't be gay."

smerch, "Half Nelson?"

me, "Eh, the critics seemed to like it, but it would've been better as a shorter, less-produced film. Plus, I had a hard time buying that he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend. She looked like a stand-in. He studied her face too hard at the park for me to buy it -- you could tell he was acting. I'm sure I'm just jealous."

smerch, "Speakin' of, see to it that you call Johnny back before tomorrow. That tweedlin's driving me absolutely mental."