I've learned a lot of things.

Don't ever go to the grocery store hungry.

Washing a car is more effective than a raindance.

There's a difference between an alcoholic and a drunk.

Catfights are as equally funny as they are disturbing to witness.

Green tea can be either really good or really bad with no in-between.

Pizza is always good. Even the worst pizza has some redeeming quality.

Most everyone wants white teeth instead of natural, bone-colored teeth.

Never send anything Media Mail.

The word "laughter" is "slaughter" without the "s".

You should always keep a list of adjectives handy on a sticky note for those times when someone at work has really pissed you off. Adjectives to describe them (or parts of them) such as gritty, oily, weather-beaten, ragged, cheesy, moldy, waxy, mildewed, tattered, garlicky, half-eaten, threadbare, moth-eaten, rug-burned, chafed, stretched-out, raw, grass-stained, crusty, discolored, warty, corn-holed, absessed, leathery, infected, whithered.

The urgency of urination increases after the second coat of nail polish has been applied perfectly.

If I'd have spent my teenage years with an internet connection, I would've ended up in a lot of trouble and quite possibly abandoned at a truckstop in the middle of nowhere.

People can be the biggest bastards, and people can be the biggest inspirations.

The war has redefined the term "reality television" for the masses. But the joke is still on them, over their heads, and soon to be forgotten.

My life would be a little better if only I had a Mini Cooper.

My life is really, exceptionally good right now, despite the tumors I have yet to find.

David Sedaris is one of the best American writers of all time.

I want to work and live on the internet somehow.

I waste a lot of time wondering what I'm supposed to be instead of just being it.

Some people thrill themselves at casinos. I thrill myself with Kroger Double-Coupons.

Actually getting ready for bed instead of passing out on the couch is one of the most satisfying things you can do besides taking hot, epsom salt baths with a Budget Living, Self or Real Simple magazine.

I wish for a lot of things, and then it just ends right there, until the guilt comes along again.

There is never enough time to read or go to Europe; do both as much as possible.

Reading is rarely if ever a waste of time.