Tuesday, October 18, 2005


There's got to be something I can say about this scary skeleton
found on sale at marthastewart.com...

Yes. I'm tired. But any Mary-Kate/Nicole Richie/Paris Hilton/Mischa Barton/Hillary Duff/Lindsay Lohan jokes would just be too obvious.

Get rid of your enemies in style the Martha Stewart way and use their empty carcasses as festive Halloween decorations for your doorstep.

"First, let's start with a freshly killed victim. Any victim will do -- say, an over-priviledged neighbor who miscalculated one step at that last soiree and had the grave misfortune of treading across a newly mulched pumpkin patch. Yes. Mistakes can happen. Once. So. What to do with the bodies...boil them in a big stainless steel stockpot or vat for several days. I like to buy my giant vats at the local co-op or any farming supply store...

"After a few hours, you'll see that the legs will remove quite easily. Pull all the meat from the bones carefully. Be sure to keep the chunks small enough to grind easily in your lovely KitchenAide mixer with meat grinder attachment. I love my KitchenAide. Every upper-class woman in the world should have at least one, if not two -- one being for display purposes only...

"It's a little known fact that most bones aren't that pristine white we're all so used to seeing around this time of the year with all the scary skeletons. To brighten up your scary skeleton, soak your freshly-picked bones in bleach for several days, turning them occasionally to make sure every little digit is bright white. I like to bleach my victim's bones until they are just the perfect shade of eggshell, so they really bring out the greens and oranges of my lovely pumpkins...like this poor near-perfect little dear right over here that I grew from hand-polished heirloom pumpkin seeds...and then...(split-second, low growling, high-pitched possessed, backwards-speak grumbling outburst) MILES (chimpanzee in Tanzania screams in background) decided to have one too many of my special Citrus Pucker Cocktails at my exclusive semi-annual Pre-Before-Almost Halloween soirees, and tripped through my darling pumpkin patch. My patch is very special to me because it's fertilized with the remains of my many precious housepets and back-talking housemaids throughout the years..."

I could go on for days like this, can you tell? Too easy. Oh well.


1 comment:

Bubba said...

Brilliant!