My Dad had a beautiful dream, I can do basic math now, and my mom's gone deaf.

mom: "Yep, that's what he'd say every time...blonde, blue-eyed, with big boobs..."

me: "And don't forget deaf."

mom: "Oh-ho yes, that's what he'd say to me and everyone at The Knife and Fork Club, when I'd tell 'em that I wish I hadda married a gay man. Your Daddy'd say, 'Well yeah, I wish I hadda married me a li'l ol' blonde with big, blue-eyes, big boobs, and she'd be a deaf-mute."

me: "You keep forgetting the 'and she'd be a deaf-mute nymphomaniac whose daddy owned a liquor store' bit at the end."

mom: "Remember when he brought Noel Hunnicutt's Playboy into the house, and I found it stuck up in his closet?"

me: "No."

mom: "Oh sure you do, remember, it took me 3 or 4 days to color all the clothes on 'em with Magic Markers, on all those nasty women. I even drew turtlenecks on some of 'em. Made him s'mad because he had to return it to Hunnicutt since he'd 'just borrowed it', yeahright. Honestly. I mean really. The very idea."

me: "The liquor store part always sounded pretty good to me."

mom: "That's because your Papaw hid in a utility closet to drink God Knows What outta his ol' brown paper bag...bless 'im..."

me: "I'm beginning to understand why. And you had kids? Thanks a lot."

mom: "Well. It wasn't on my mind at the time."

me: "Hey, you're not throwing me with that one anymore. It took me until I was 28 to do the math on this: two babies, born 3 years and a day apart, March 25th and 26th. Daddy's birthday was June 19th, and you couldn't have just gotten him a nice tie or a book instead?"

mom: ...

me: ...

mom: "So what'd you have for supper?"

me: "Brie."

Dear Apartment 42

You do know that at night, when you have the light on and the blinds are open, I can totally see you talking gibberish to your cat while you change your pants, right? If not, then oops. If so, then dude, you've sullied my porch time. You have to know this. I've thrown marbles at your window. We've been through this. Dude. Seriously. For real?

Love,

Apartment 22

ps: I like you, I do, but dude. Seriously.