Monday, September 22, 2008
Tonight's Radio Gala brought to you by the makers of Secret, Vanilla Chai Anti-Perspirant.
Setting: two co-working women-types, a secretary pool, circa 1942, complete with ambient sounds of office work, typewriter bells dinging over the workaday office chatter...
Bettie: G'morning, Mister Fleischman! Right up with that coffee, black with two sugars, Mr. Fleischman?
Jane: Mmm, Bettie, isn't it just wonndaful? That aroma--I think it's freshly baked cinnamon buns.
Jane (perplexed): Hot-from-the-oven Snickerdoodles?
Bettie (her pearly-white smile has turned devilishly demure): 'Fraid not, Jane!
Jane: Bettie! What gives! You know darn well I know my Snickerdoodles, gal--
Bettie (laughs coyly): Why, no Jane, don't be a dope. It's just the scent of my deodorant failing! Well, not quite--not with MY secret.
Jane (in gleeful astonishment): Say, wisegirl, are you pullin' my leg...
Bettie (with newfangled confidence): No, you silly, stupid fool! It's a brand new product from Mobil Oil, Gas, Industrial Makeup and Baby Pablum Company--it's Secret, Vanilla Chai Anti-Perspirant and Deodorant. Makes a girl nicer with that extra bit of spice...er...
Jane (productively surprised): Does it work?
Bettie: Would I, would I! ...I mean, why yes, Jane, it's simply marrrrvelous--it's the brand new deodorant that "makes that stink think twice!" It's what every working girl needs to get ahead in the workplace--the smell of hot griddle cakes with maple syrup, right from her dress shields. Heavens, I used to be the Smelle of the Ball with my old cream creosote-formula deodorant. But now with Secret, when I get hot, the Apple Pie ala Mode is what's what --with extra cinnamon! This new formula's divine, with just a touch of titrate aluminum steroid nitrate oxide phosphorusmasm, guaranteed not to give you Old Timer's Disease.
Jane: Don't you mean Alzheimer's Disease, Bettie?
Bob (passing by, off to a very important business meeting with more men): 'Mornin', ladies! Say--do I smell homemade biscuits and molasses??
Jane (enviously rolling her eyes skyward): Oh, it's homemade alright, Bob.
Bettie (leans into Jane and winks): Remember, kid, shhhhhhhh--Vanilla Chai for women--it's our little Secret!
Bob (sidles back by, unintelligible mannish report in-hand): Say, Bettie, who's up for (sniiffffff) ooohoo-hoo, a White Russian or two, after 5 say, and maybe a little promotion?...?
Bettie (with swelling confidence): Why yes, Bob, I do have a few reports I have been working on late, I'd just love to show you my charts, they're cross-stitched!
Organ music up and underneath through 'til end:
ANNCR: ...while poor Jane was sent to the rendering factory instead where her bones were crushed into powder and used to manufacture mucilage glue and Knox gelatin packets--which are makes nails stronger than strong, gals!
Try Secret Vanilla Chai Anti-Perspirant and Deodorant. "If the smeller's the feller, then Vaniller's the killer."
Brought to you by Mobil Oil, Gas, Industrial Makeup and Baby Pablum Company. We light up the world, and set you aglow.