Did ya miss me? Aw. But I missed you. No, really.

So I worked a weighty percentage of buttage off last week, which isn't a bad thing, and then blasted outta here to Chattanooga for the weekend. I pondered many things along the way, none of them monumental. Like:

"Why did everybody become allergic to peanuts in the past few years?"

"What does a praying mantis eat?"

"Are the hormones in milk and chicken really responsible for the recent explosion of D-sized pre-teen boobs?"

"If so, then what are the hormonal side effects for pre-teen boys?"

"Since I am addicted to it now, why is nasal spray addictive?"

"Why isn't there a Vespa shop in Chattanooga named 'Scooternooga'?"

Not like I specialize in monumental topics, but there you go. That's what we all missed. Not much.

But if you ever wonder what my minor misfirings are sometimes, besides me thinking it's hilarious to watch home videos of people falling down or seeing bridal veils burst into flames again and again, here is a link that my mother just forwarded to me. Now, after she saw Ron fall backwards out of a rotted rope swing, my mom finally admitted to me that she liked to watch people fall down, too. But I didn't know she fancied impaling. But like twisted sisters, it's comforting to know that we share the forbidden love of excruiating pain. Ah, life is good. Enjoy Mr. Otto's Olympics here or here.

What's wrong with me. I go seven months without reading him and forget how great James Lileks is. He really sums things up. Why don't I read it everyday and eliminate my own frustration with useless pop culture pop culture. I must be stupid.







But when it comes to finding good chocolate, I'm gifted.

Well, I'm not the one who's brilliant actually. This time, it's M&M Mars. This new candy bar is called "M-azing" and comes in two varieties:

1.) a chocolate candy bar dotted with tiny M&M's chocolate candies, and

2.) a chocolate candy bar dotted with tiny M&M's peanut butter candies.

It's a no-brainer, professor. Both are equally delicious.

What makes it different from any other chocolate bar out there now that's dotted with candies? (note: stop saying "dotted with candies". It sounds gross. Willie Wonka would have me fired.) I think it's because the candy bar itself is made from the same extra-sweet chocolate found inside the M&M's. That's my hypothesis anyway. It sure tastes like it. Which is a m-mighty fine idea. One that may need more research now that swimsuit weather is almost officially over.

I don't like the name at all though because it's not catchy. But really, when it comes to good chocolate, WHO CARES about the name? All I know is that the taste is quality. So try both of them with confidence. Run, don't walk. It's good exercise.



(Damn, James Lileks is funny. )

I don't know how many people know that I'm bi.

Bi-technical, not bi-sexual.

Dammit, and I was so close to becoming totally cool with that header, too, huh? Sorry, ladies!

Yes, I'm somewhat proud that I can somewhat work on both Macs and PCs now. They have their differences. I started on a Mac. Most times, I can even fix a Mac (to a certain degree, and then I beg Michael's help after I've torn it completely up. Thank you, Michael.). I still miss my Mac daily though.

Learning on a Mac is like learning to drive a standard transmission with a stickshift: You'll always know how to drive the hard way. And then you find the automatic transmission ride known as a PC, and you welcome those fancy power Windows -- and the burning rubber that goes with the free downloads, and the joy of never having to think of an innovative way to actually download an incompatible file and try to make it work on your Mac anyway.

I can't really fix a PC. Yet. But it's coming. I do enjoy the hell out of downloading most any program for free that will fix my PC for me. So far, it's been really convenient.

Thank you, Ad-Aware. Thank you, oh dude thank you, Grisoft Anti-Virus. You can't get all that neato free stuff for Macs. Free, free, free. You have to pay some big bucks for online safety and pleasure, it's true. But even with all those free downloads, PCs can't make up for their seedy crack-ho reputation up against a Mac -- what with the way they spread virus programs and e-herpes all over the place. But with all the free downloads, nevermind...I can forgive and forget. And schedule routine anti-virus scans. That's fine.

You don't have those worries with a Mac really.

You can't find a file format you can download either. But hey. Life is funny like that.

You can say what you want about a Mac, but I'll love them forever. They are stylish and totally misunderstood. You can't always find something cool to download for a Mac. But every now and then you can. So Kittyspunk (thank you, Kittyspunk!) has a present for you:

www.glennsgames.com

She says Flower Power is like Bejeweled, only with Daisies and Flowers. I can't see it from here, but it sounds splendid. My eyes are going slightly out of focus just thinking about it. Bejeweled and Text Twist make my pupils dilate with adrenalined joy. I could play those two games all night. And I don't even like games.

Ok, not that they should, but in case the PC peeples out there feel jilted in this post, here's a simple yet addictive game link for you and only you since it's unavailable for Mac download:

It's called Best Friends www.retro64.com

See how much I care? Feel the love, peeples, and keep it clean. Here's a big ole hug for you, whichever way you swing it.

It's a fresh piece of Cake for you and me.


If you like one Cake song, odds are high that you'll probably like 'em all. Lucky for me, I do like one Cake song. And another and another -- like "Comfort Eagle" and "Never There" and "Short Skirt, Long Jacket." Plus, if you ever get the chance to see Cake in concert, then go. Go, go, go.

Listen to a couple of tracks from the new album here. I like "Dime."

And for more info, go to cakemusic.com...

Do I sound like a cheap 15 second commercial today?

"Hurry! This offer is for a limited time, prices and participation may vary. Call 1-800-EAT-CAKE. That number again is 1-800-328-2253."

I've had a lot of practice.

I can't remember whose number this is.

But it sure is cute, isn't it? I hope it's not important. I don't think it is. Oh, I remember now.

What time is it? It's "Product Review, Product Review!"

With all this working diligently much like a typical sucka and/or road-tripping to-and-fro as of late, and also being that I am one of those people who really needs a boost (even in my sleep) to remain alive and breathing, I have turned to the aid of energy drinks for the past couple of weeks.

Today, I will share my latest findings with you. Why? Because I care. No, really. I really, really do.


Presenting our lovely, worthy, and bangin' contestants:





Red Bull vs. Mtn Dew's Amp vs. SoBe Adrenaline Rush vs KMX vs. PimpJuice.



Red Bull.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Red Bull gives you wings. And gas. It was one of the premiere energy drinks, so I have to give it that credit. It does work. It does actually give me extra energy -- sugar-free and sugar-fire -- but at what palatable cost? What I'm saying is that, to me, Red Bull still tastes like sucking on an uncoated multi-vitamin with lots of extra Vitamin C and rosehips in it. And people, trust me when I say I've done a lot of stupid things, so I know what I'm talking about. On its merits alone, I give Red Bull Sugar-free an honorable mention and a C. The sugared version gets a C+ for the extra surge of sucra-licious power.


Mountain Dew's Amp.
Again, I must give credit where it's due. In the 70's when you needed a blast of energy, who'd you turn to? Not your dealer, Biggie Jay-Jay on Brown Street. No, you headed for the Mountain Dew. Extra-sweet, extra-caffiene, extra-legal. I heard stories about junior high kids drinking entire 2-liter bottles and tripping. So I kinda expected more of a blast from this. In my opinion, I equate this to a fine ice wine distilled from a vintage Mountain Dew fruit. Nostalgic feelings are nice, but it's not a Mountain Dew to the ninth Power like I was expecting. But since it is tasty, I give it a jaunty C+.


SoBe Adrenaline Rush.
At approximately 7:12am, I sputtered into the RaceTrac gas station/convenience superplex by the highway for my long journey home. Six hundred or so miles to go, but I'm not counting. I'm running on the fumes of champagne and three delicious petit fours long gone well over 12 hours ago. I shoved the door open for a post-wedding reception breakfast: a bag of Fritos, another bag of Lance's Vinegar and Dill chips, and something with some caffeine. ANYthing with caffeine. Yet the stale smell of boiled coffee just tied a slipknot in my stomach. So, off to the cooler to find salvation in the perfect energy drink. And let me tell you, this is how life is created, my children. Sweet, sweet life is raised from the graveyard with one can of this magic herbal concoction. Plus it tasted good. Reeeeal good. Maybe it's the natural high of Mother Nature's herbs versus the man-harnessed vits and stimulants used in the other drinks, but trust me, SoBe is a good slow burn of energy. Yessss, IT'S ALIVE!! (sfx: thunderclaps and screams) If I could, I'd give it more than an A+.


KMX.
If you can't find a SoBe, then you can still turn to KMX. Even though I wonder why an energy drink is named after a 13 year-old boy's bike. Yeah. The name is totally weak to me. But man, there's no denying that it's good. It's one of the more flavorful ones I've tried so far. Doing the trick with good taste is fine with me. But the name...what does that name mean? It means someone got paid way too much money to think of it, or they were too chicken to tell someone in charge that it's flatter than your best friend's 8 year-old sister. Name it Satan's Tinkle, and bingo, you'd have a better name as far as I'm concerned. Man. It does work, and the taste is great. But somebody needs to give the responsible party a bid ole D- on principle alone just because the name needs a boost of creativity, dang it. We as consumers like to be entertained as we drink our tiny, mostly over-priced cans of chemicals. I know my rights as an over-consumer! What are you trying to pull here? Who's in charge anyway? Who's responsible? Wait. I get it now. KMX stands for Kiss My Xenophobic tendencies. Nevermind. It's a B.


PimpJuice.
Who wouldn't want to get mixed up with an energy drink named PimpJuice? It may look like anti-freeze, but "It tastes like drinkin' a Jolly Rancher," said Ron. It sure did. I wanted to love it so bad that it still hurts. Makes me wanna get out the car and choke a b*tch. But, as far as the juice-power, it choked. Not enough sugar, Daddy. More mojo than go-go. Clearly, you get the sad polaroid of what I'm trying to say. Look at that can. It looks cool, like malt liquor. It's still sitting here on my windowsill like the ashes of a loved one. Maybe it's because I miss my poor, deceased Pink Champale instead. Now there's another story, and another wound that will never heal. Although it pains me, I havta give PimpJuice a B+ at least for the name, the color, and the fond memories of the 70's goneby. And for all my dead homeys, of course.



Remember these are only my opinions, but they are 100% reliable and tested. So get out there and get your juice on, whichever is right for you.

Next "Product Review, Product Review" is of the new M-azing Candy Bars (2 kinds) from the makers of M&Ms, and for my diabetic pals, the new Sugar-free version of Almond Roca. Enjoy your weekend!






One more rather important thing:

If you're in Memphis, super-cool, and not busy tonight, well then come awnnn dowwwwn --


----Original Message--------

Subject: This Friday, Kick Off Your Sunday Shoes


Helloooo

(Attached is a jpg-explanation-invitation for you and whomever you'd like to forward this to…)

Join three guys* commenting loudly on one bad movie this Friday the 13th, doors open at 8:00pm. It should be funny and fun for all, Audience Comments Welcomed, so please Louise, pull me off of my knees and get down to the Gibson Lounge this Friday. Why not? It's a great excuse to hang out and fry up some Kevin Bacon.

For more info, call 544-7998 ext 2. Or email me back, and I'll just ask sumbuddy.


"What the hell. Alcohol'll be served, so everything should get funnier." -- Ron Shelton


*One of those guys is Ron, by the way. So everybody cut Footloose.




E-flyer designed by Mamie. GO MAMIE!

Besides Radiohead, there's two things I can't get enough of: (one) Mr. T, and (two) Mr. A.

Whatever Mr. A is, why must I have one? Like, a must. Right now. Look at all this stuff. Gimme. One of each.

Oh yes, and my Aquapet is flourishing with my cyborg-love, why thank you for asking, Millicent, you ole dear. You'd think I was a lonely, pathetic dimwit. But that's only partly true.

So on second thought I actually can get enough of Mr. T sometimes, so I think I'll replace (one). Although I could interchange "Mr. T" with "petit fours" almost instantly in most cases, I'll have to go with the "Japanese toys" instead.

Why? Because the clean, unspoiled designs just make me insane with jealous delite.

That comment seemed insensitive, yet so...sensitive.

Oh, I can say these things because I am idiot. An innocent idiot, across-the-board dim.

When you get a few minutes, treat yourself to the 7th circle of wisdom with tokyoplastic.com. It does take longer to load than most and, when in doubt, click anything you can't read and see what happens. It makes me so happy I could just scream as if a far-sighted Samurai just squeezed by and crushed my left foot in a darkened movie theater.*

*Please, just go with it.

While I'm workin' my fingers to the bone,

and gettin' run over by a train and sent to prison whilst my cheatin' heart is gettin' pregnant again with a tear in my beer, I give you the Official Unknown Hinson.

For your listening pleasure,enjoy.

If you're in Memphis, here's two talent calls for ya. C'MON it'll be fun.

Anyone want to be in the movies? Voice talent cattle call; see below…

> -----Original Message-----


Dear Tommy


I'm coming down to Memphis on Monday, August 16 to do some dialogue recording for Forty Shades of Blue and I need to put together a group of Memphians to help out with the sounds for all our group scenes. We need about 20 people of various ages, races, etc., (teenager and up), for Monday and Tuesday, August 16 & 17. The sessions will run around 3 hours each, at Ardent Studios, and could be different people each day, or same. If you or anyone you know would be interested in helping us out, send word, phone #, or e-mail. It won¹t be a paid gig, but should actually be kind of fun.

Hope this finds you well. We're nearing the finish line up here!

with warm regards,
Ira


Aw, thanks, Ira!

And URGENT, URGENT this one is for tomorrow



-----Original Message-----


Subject: FW: Help with movie



"In addition to this extra call, A local indie movie will be shooting a scene for 'Automusik Can Do No Wrong' this Saturday @ 7:30 at the Powerhouse near South Main around the corner from Ernestine's &Hazel's.*

"Automusik is a local art-rock act, and this is a scene in which they are playing a gig on their fictional native soil.

"Come dressed in your best 80's New Wave duds.

"Drink Free Beer and have snacks as you help us make a very funny "mock-u-mentary" of Automusik and their rival Band competing in a battle of the bands to save the Rec Center.


"Confirmation of attendance is requested, but not required. Email back if you can come. Or call 901-277-8697 for better instructions.


"There is no better chance for you to use that skinny, piano key tie, or do your hair in a Mod Mohawk than this movie shoot.

"Help support locally made movies, show up and possibly become almost nearly famous."



Why do I tell you these things? Because I want you to be famous and let me ride in your limo with Pink Champale flowin'.


*"Ernestine's and Hazel's" is an old, semi-haunted brothel turned local hangout with a jukebox and soulburgers. If that can't persuade you to come on out, well you might just be made of wood.


I'm off to Chattanooga with Ron and the humongous super dog named Otis. Please have a good weekend, and here's a Nice Piece of Flash for you. Enjoy!

http://www.wmteam.de/

"I wish I was special/So @#$*in' sp3ci6l..."

Radioheadheads, monkeehub has an animated video or you, via Shaun'shead. Thank you, Shaun'shead, for the link.

Good grief, this monkeehub guy is amazing. See his lowmorale.co.uk/ and view the animation series at the bottom lefthand corner. My eyes have turned green with jealousy. Hey... they look pretty striking in green... Thank you, monkeehub!

And here's another kind of special when you get the chance: click the download to view. Thanks to Fishjack for the link!

Should we dismiss "the author as a quack"?

Once again, this proves that almost everybody else has much more time and energy than I do. Dammit.

Possessed Duck on eBay

This is my tiny tribute to Kyle and havesomehats.com. "You tell them, Jonesy. You go tell them all!" -- kp'03