:: labmonkie ::: September 2006

A friend of mine asked me if I ever thought
of taking my life and making it "just so small,"
and she used her hands to show me --
grabbed an imaginary space in front of her,
about the size of a beach ball,
fingers stretched out, hands shaped like stars,
pushing the air between them smaller and tighter
down into a small, manageable space about
*this big.*
Asked me if I knew what she meant at all.

I said "I think about that every time I pack my bags
and get in a car."

(wysiwyg)

Happy @#$&in' Monday!

(No, really!)

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmm
about to whip sumbody's aaaaaaass,
ohoho
aaaaaahhhhhhhhhm
about to whip sumbody's aaaaaaass...
ohhh if you don’t leave me alo-ne
you gonna have to send me home
'cause ahhh'm
about to whip somebody's aaaaaaass."*

*Ron says,
"That song replaces 'Punk Rock Girl'
as the best song ever written."
I'm still debating that, but at least both songs
are securely lodged in my mind now.
Which makes Monday feel like a Tuesday to me, if nothing else.

File this under "Always the Last to Realize":

The soundtrack to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
will make your brain feel *mu-u-uch better*
any day of the week.
Fortified with Jon Brion,The Willowz, Beck,
Polyphonic Spree and a touch of ELO...
combined, they have the power to make you forget
that Jim Carrey had anything to do with that brilliant movie at all.

Speaking of, next up for Eternal Sunshine director is
The Science of Sleep.
Given me anticipation-insomnia already.
Or that could be too much PG Tips for the day. Already?

(is it wrong to daydream so fondly of a Saturday on a Friday?
does it make Friday feel insignificant and fat?)

(...anyway...)

Here's an interesting link on Presidential doodles.

(Quick: Someone in PR tell Georgie Bush they said "doodle" and not "drool.")

Early post for Friday.

I figured I'd post this now to give you the weekend
to learn it by heart for Monday.
But feel free to apply this to any work day after that, as needed.

Ray's whipass.mp3

Thank you, Ray. "Stay strong. Peace."

(And here's plenty of remixes if you need 'em.)

Is it really Thursday?
Already?

Hm. Guess I'd better put the kettle on.
PG Tips, anyone?
I'm offerin'.
Hope to God I get my Gromit mug soon. Found it on eBay.
His nose turns red when you pour in the hot water for tea.
(I think I should've filed this monologue under the next subhead...)

I caught myself drawlin' baaaa-yad this mornin'.
Noticed it when I made the word "should" have
four syllables, with the "d" being the fourth.

Usually, that means it should be Monday.
I should consider myself lucky Friday's so near.

File this under
"Oh come on, you know you care, you do" category:

I'm going to my first hockey game tonight.
I'm not playing, but I can't say I won't participate.
I do like throwing things.
Sadly, I just had to look up who's playing who.
Unless it has a red maple leaf on it,
all teams just run together for me.

and

I think I might just start posting
all my scribbly meeting doodles here for awhile.*
Those ones I do in the margins? Yeah.
You know you care.

*Anyway, think "gapingvoid"
except not brilliant.

+++

And just when you think my day's truly pointless:

Automatic Slim's had an evil strawberry cake.

Don't worry. Michelle and I threw ourselves
on that pure butter grenade and killed it for you.
You are welcome.

Being that the waiter
looked exactly like Jason Bateman,
I bet every day is a nice one,
but we wished him another anyway.

I break my leg to get to the tv for this commercial from Citibank.
Then I break the other leg to catch Jim Gaffigan...
("hhhhhhot poccckketttts")

Damn, fresh out of legs now.
Oh well.
Enjoy!

:)

It's official.

Apple is trying to kill me again with redesigned desirables.
Look at the Shuffle.

It looks much cuter as a brushed metal
potato chip bag clip than the pack of gum it once was. I'm serious.
And look at the new Nano. It looks like a cross between
the dearly departed Mini and last year's Nano.
Isn't it cute? It's a "Minano."
No, that sounds like a dance or a fruity drink.
See, that's why I'll never be working for Apple marketing.
That kind of thinking will have me working at a daiquiri bar eventually.
But really, is that such a bad thing?
Frozen margarita green:
That is the actual color of my parachute.

Therefore,
I really should get one of the neon green Minanoes to match.

I guess Kazakhstan has some oil reserves or something?
Oh, George. Georgie Georgie George.
Something's coming to me, something about
freedom of speech which a country was founded on...?
...something something...
Nope, gone. Must've been either an acid or Vietnam flashback.
They all run together. Sorry about that.

So wait, slow down, what is all this...
Ohh, it's about relationship-building...
I'm all about peace and stuff myself,
I'm sure you are, too, right,
I mean, you know, I think you said that somewhere, right?
I'm sure you never lose perspective.
But uh...yeah, see...
Hey, I know what --
why don't you just call in Dr. Phil,
let him handle this stuff for you instead?

Hey, don't get mad at me. I'm just trying to help.
Honestly, you've just embarrassed the whole family already,
and Canada won't take me, so just sit down.
And ride a bike to work or something.
Do something constructive for a change.

And don't give me that look either, young man...
Oh. That's how you look when you are thinking?
I'm sorry, my mistake.

(Wa wa wee wa.)

(Well, I could do this all day...sunlight...bright...clouds...time...)

All You Need To Know Today:

OKGo is still brilliant.

"Here It Goes Again"

Product Review, Product Review!

Granja San Francisco Blossom Honey
The taste is very light, very good, but honestly
the most exciting thing
(and trust me, this is actually exciting if you are the freakshow known as "Tidy Girl")
the bottle says "No drip" and can you believe it,
they aren't kidding.

Oh, you care, you know you do.

In a word: Yayyy.
Which means,
"For once, I got my money's worth with a product claim
that turned out to be 100% accurate."
At about $6.00 for the 12.3 ouncer I got, it wasn't quite a giveaway,
but it's worth it to Tidy Girl for the dripless bottle alone.
And, that an advertiser didn't lie in my face, again,
was worth 50 bucks.
Jaded?
No, just a wisened ex-ad making consumer-cow sick of takin' it.
Moo, baby.

So here's one, giant thank you to Spain's Number 1 brand
classic honey.
And for once, I'm not talking about Pau Gasol.

"She's not really that funny. But let her think she is."

They also have Eucalyptus & Linden and Rosemary & Lavender blends.

That first one sounds awfully medicinal, don't you think?
But the Rosemary & Lavender?
Well, YEAH, I do HAVE to get it.
How many times do I have to tell you,
regardless of what the neighbors say,
I'm not made of wood.
Dammit. Where's the credit card...

Next up:
Products from Eyes Lips Face

Despite conflicting media reports,
it doesn't take much to make me happy.
(Damn you, Star Magazine!)
Anyway, so I've been waiting like a preteen
in a new pink training bra to try something neato from ELF;
but sadly, I needed the heat to die down here
so it wouldn't melt my elfen goodies.

If you know what I mean.

Yeah, what I mean is:
"The heat will melt your dreamy nougats in transit,"
a sad fact.

But luckily, when global warming hits,
it won't touch the acclimated, hardened, well-seasoned me.
So what? So, I can help you with handy survival tips
from my experience with intense heat is what.
Unless I don't like you.
And in that case,
you can sit on an ice cube and die for all I care, jerkface.

Ooo, she's obviously sugar-buzzed on too much honey.

Lipgloss cellphone charms on a magenta RAZR?
Well. I guess they're just trying to kill me.

Actually, I can be strong and walk on by that action,
and just customize my own compact...
"Combine your favorite eye, lip & face shades with
our Magnetic Lock-In System..."
(Did you just hear me squeal with the untarnished enthusiasm
of a sixth grader high on Bonne Bell Dr. Pepper flavored lipgloss,
complete with a shoestring lanyard to wear it around the neck?...
It was more of a rusty squeak, actually.)

Note:
If you've tried the ELF products, especially the lip glosses,
please don't tell me they're waxy or crappy or grainy.
Just let me live a few more days in my blissful ignorance.
Or is it ignorant bliss?
See? Why you did it I don't know,
but you may have only assumed I was smart.

And finally,
This Week on Episode Three of "Tidy Girl":
Oddly enough,
Tidy Girl did not super-vaccuum the entire house as usual
on a Saturday.

But,
never one to resist the urge to purge,
she did rummage through
the super-secret stainless steel refrigerator cave
to deftly rid her world of any fresh
(and in that case, probably expensive) foods
on the verge of turning evil and supervillainnous.

Undaunted in her quest for freshness,
she did saute one salmon fillet
(fresh cracked peppered and pink sea salted)
in extra-virgin olive oil,
and finished it off with a dark honey glaze
with chopped scallions,
then,
pan-grilled six various chicken sausages
(the most interesting one being the tastiest,
the maple with blueberries, surprise)
then,
reduced three chicken breasts
and one bunch of green onions and sea salt
into a decent mini-stock worthy of a soup
or a brown rice dish
surely to come down in a fit of boiling rage,
then,
finished by ripping the chicken to shreds,
dousing it in a hot and spicy mixture
of barbecue sauce and
"some really hot sauce she got at the Asian market"
the one with the rooster on it,
the one she can't ever remember the name of,
but she really likes.

She also made cornbread with oregano,
grated asiago, and parmesan, and some other cheese left unnamed.

So much for her feeble attempts at vegetarianism...ness.

While the fish and chicken took it hard for The Team,
at least no cattle, goats, or sheep were harmed during
"The Cleansing through Fire" apparently.*

She also took two megabaths that involved many magazines,
three books, and two bath bombs from Lush,

Black Pearl and Think Pink.

Lush, have I told you lately how much I love you?

*Did I eat it all?
Please. I'm not insane like that.
Which just means, really,
"Anyone up for leftovers?"

Also, fair warning,
I feel a severe case of cupcakes coming on.
Red velvet, I bet. With cream cheese icing and sprinkles.

File this under:
"Man, I wish I'd Thought of That Idea
and
Actually Done It Instead of Just Thinking It Up"

Thanks to shaunshead for the WryBaby link.

Oh, Mary Tyler Moore and the 7 Deadly Saints.

What now.
The cat died today.
The good one, not the bad one.
@#$%#%$!
(Oh well, I'd miss the bad one, too,
come to think of it.)
Crikey.
If anyone needs me, I'll be sitting on the couch
in a football helmet with a glass of wine
and some cheesedip and whole grain Doritos.
Whole grain, people. I try.
And maybe a tub of Ben & Jerry's,
something chunky.

Boy,
I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue,
didn't I?*

*Thank God for comedy.
No, really.
Oh, and let's thank 'im for Beck, too, while we're at it.
He's just flat-out gooooooood.

I know I sound insensitive, but I'm just trying to laugh
my way out of this invasive
"baseball bat, indiscriminately bashing in car windshields"
thought I keep having.
Nice dream, but I wouldn't do it.
Not violent, have a conscience,
plus I don't have that much
upperbody strength either.
It would just end up being an embarrassing display.
I'm just sick to death of death these days.
Dude.
I need a nap. For about a year.
Damn.
I hope I just didn't wish for a coma.
Well.
If that happened, trust me, don't worry, I'm covered.
Boy.
Been funnelling my frustration into mindless chores.
Have become a super hero with special powers.
Not a cool special power. Just one that gets really tidy.
That's my super power, my superhero name:
Tidy Girl.

Last weekend in Episode Two of "Tidy Girl"
I recaulked the whole outside of the house,
every tiny crack I could reach,
even some I couldn't,
wobbling around the top rung of a squeaky aluminum ladder,
shots of adrenaline tingling and burning in my fingertips,
my brain is calmly thinking,
"Hey, Tidy Girl, you really need to go hand Ron
your insurance card for this next scene."

Then, I weeded the Yarden (which was looking pretty seedy,
vacated, overgrown, thick and garter snakey,
just needed an empty 40 oz. tossed in the bush,
can't even see the tacky yard gnome,
the wild violets are out of control,
strawberry vines everywhere...
hey, isn't that a band from Canada?...)
and sculpted the bushes into nice,
round masterpieces.
Therapeutic. Shrubapeutic.
Y'all.
Wish I'd been aware of it all.
I'd have Edward Scissorhanded a bush
into a topiary koala or something.

Well, maybe next time.

And there will be A Next Time.

Truth is, I could do it all over again, too.
Anyone need their house painted?
You buy the paint and let me know where you live.
I draw the line at car waxing though.
Bad for the nails.

Anyway, what I really wanted to say was just,
"Rest peacefully, my sweet Little Girl.
We'll miss you. I'll chase some birds for you.
The neighbors expect that sort of behaviour from me anyway."