What I've been up to since November 14th.

I accidentally burned a piece of toast so thoroughly this morning that it flickered and glowed a red-hot molten lava on the inside with a solid black-death on the outside, just like a charcoal briquette. "I had to put it out with water" is the scope I'm talking. It's things like that. That's what I've been up to, every day -- up to my eyeballs, with stuff, very similar to that.

So if you're into that sort of thing, well, I've got plenty of that to share then. I'll try to keep you posted better than I've been doing lately. No. Really.

And really, you've missed me?

Thanks for the irony, Disney.

I thought "Happily Never After" was my Best Title I Ever Came Up With, until I realized Disney took it and ruined with Lindsay Lohan. Poor ol' Lindsay Lohan.

My summary on Election 2008.

It was the most intense reality show I've seen in awhile.

Now, who gets voted off the island tonight? And most importantlyish, can either one of them dance the mambo? Text your vote in now, America. Sponsored by Verizon Wireless.

I love chasing cars with my By Myself.

Things I didn't need to know about coffee and my Dad's personal prefs.

mom: "Well, China best not be so full of themselves these days. Since we aren't gettin' paid, they ain't gettin' paid either y'know. Oh that reminds me, I heard on the television the other day that drinking coffee makes your bosoms smaller."

me: "Three cups, I think you told me."

mom: "Yeah, did I? Well, if that's the truth, I'm totin' a pot around with me everywhere I go from now on. I hate my bosoms. They just get in the way."

me: "...'bosoms'...I think you mean 'bosom', singular."

mom: "Yeah, whatever, breasticles. Every time I ever said anything about gettin' rid of my bosoms, your Daddy would go, 'I wish I had some. I wouldn't get anything done all day.'''

me: "Yeah. You know what, you don't have to tell me those stories, ma. Those are 'you and him' stories, you know what I mean?"

mom: "Did you hear me? I said, he goes, 'I wouldn't get anything done all day!'"

Why My Dad Wouldn't Let Me Date Theater Majors

"What're they gonna do when they get outta school? Act like they gotta job?"

If only he'd told me the truth about philosophy majors, too.

...

mom: "So I got this AbRocket thing. Have you seen them, have you tried it?"

me: "No. But. I think I saw it in there on the floor, in the front bedroom. And. I admit it. I sat on it. Why?"

mom: "Well, I haven't really tried it yet. Once I get down on the ground with that thing, I can't get back up."

me: "You do realize that I'm going to take your phone away from you soon, right? Hm. But. You should get a Wii. A Wii Fit. That's what you need."

mom: "What's that?"

me: "It's a computer game, it's a thing, with a board you stand on thing, it's a long story. But you just stand on it. You could do the hulu hoop or something. It's exercise. You don't look interested in what I'm saying. You aren't listening to me, are you...how about you get a Wii Fat instead. I'm getting one of those."

mom: "What's that?"

me: "It's a similar type of thing, except you sit on it and drink a bunch of red wine and eat cheese dip. It tells you to hurry up and eat the dip before it gets that nasty, plastic skin on it. You're not listening to me, are you. It's a joke. I'm trying to be funny. And before you ask me, no, they don't sell them on QVC."

mom: "I haven't seen those on QVC. They sent me a card the other day, did I tell you? It said 'thank you' and it was from Hallmark. Hallmark y'all, not some cheap ol' piece of crap card. Can you believe that? A card from Hallmark!"

me: "Good lord. They frikkin' well better."

Who could ask for anything more.

mom: "I wish I'd had a gay son."

me: "I'm sure that could still be arranged. Have you checked QVC?"

mom: "I mean it. They have manners, and they'd go shopping with me. I mean it. I really do."

me: "I know you do. I wish you had, too. And, if you'd had a son, he'd have been gay. For sure."

mom: "Oh, that'd have just killed your daddy. He'd probably have killed him with a shovel. God love 'im."

me: "You know what?"

mom: "What."

me: "I've got rhythm."

On the subject of my mom's recent house burglary:

mom: "So I was telling Jane about getting robbed, and she stopped and asked me, 'How can you tell me all this, with a smile on your face?'..."

me: "What'd you tell her -- 'Years of practice'?"

mom: "No, but on the bright side, the bastard found the remote control I've been looking for, for 3 years now."

Green Beret Dad + Judy Garland Mother = Whatever Normal Is to Me

mom: "Now, I'm just mad."

me: "So you skipped all the other stages of denial. I know the feeling. I guess."

mom: "So anyway, that's when I told the cops 'Next time, I'll put three bullets in their chest and one in the head.'"

me: "It's not that I don't agree. I'm just sayin'. In that case, I hope Frank Melton breaks into your house next time. Did I tell you that I was walking the dog the other night, and he scared two kids on bikes, one crashed into a parked car, the other fell on the ground, and I just kept on talking and walking with a phone, like I was a Wall Street trader or somebody? I feel kind of bad about that. Shouldn't I feel bad about that?"

mom: "You know what I got?"

me: "I mean, I do feel bad about that. But it's not like he was a small kid. In fact, he was too old to be riding that bike. You know what I mean? I mean, he was like old enough to be advised by some adult to sue or something. Is that just wrong of me? I mean, he looked like he drank beer already. I should feel bad, shouldn't I."

mom: "Hey listen, you know what I got?"

me: ...

mom: "I got rhythmmmmm, I got muuuuusic -- ha!"

me: "So they sell that on QVC now?"

mom: "Have you tried one of these apples? I bought $23 worth of them the other day. Guess what I had for dinner."

me: "Rhythm?"

Yes, I do love my mom.